Susan's face seem to smile through the plastic window on the front of her box.
Her painted red lips in their permanent 'O' position seemed to call longingly,
before Dave could ask the clerk to double-bag his treasure, least someone should
see the purchase. After paying and taking the parcel into his clenched arms, he
rushed to his car to deposit her in the trunk. Excitedly, he jumped into the cab
of the car and headed for home.
On the way, his hands began to sweat. The anticipation of taking Susan out for
the first time was killing him. Made with "Sensuous blonde horse hair.", the
caption on the back of her box read. This was no ordinary plastic hooker. She was
cordless, water-proof, self-warming, and stain resistant. Susan had a weighted,
flexible, positionable, latex body. Her skin was space age material that felt as
smooth as silk. She had 9 vibrating bullets embedded for extra sensation. Dave had
saved for 6 months to be able to afford her, but she was worth it. He couldn't
believe he was finally taking her home!
When he arrived, there was no mail in the box, no messages to be retrieved from
the machine. That was usually the case, but today Dave didn't mind. He had a
special date tonight. He lugged his latex love to the bed and got undressed.
Before slipping into a steaming shower, he flossed, brushed and put in The
Best of Al Green to get himself in the mood. He was going to show Susan what a
REAL man was all about. Getting out and dressing, he went about getting
Susan dressed. He had a old bra he had stolen from his ex. Real women are too much
work, he thought, as the bra reminded him of the owner. He pulled out the brand
new panties he had clumsily procured from Victoria's Secret. And the dress he got
from goodwill, as in the past they often become nothing but shreds. After she was
out of the box and dressed (which took some effort because of the fact that she
was 75 lbs) Dave sat her on the bed, her head leaned onto the headboard, and began
to softly talk to her. "It is good to finally meet you," he said to her. "I had no
idea you looked this good in person." He scooted closer admiring her supple
manufactured skin. There was no look of rejection, no grimace of disgust present
on her placid expression.
"I know you are shy, but wold it be o.k. if I kissed you?" he stuttered, as he
invaded her wide open lips with his darting tongue and retrieved a synthetic
plastic taste. His hands slid up her lifeless legs, lifting the tattered stained
skirt. He felt the silken panties underneath. In one quick motion he ripped them
off and tossed them aside. Not waiting for a response, he produced a bottle of
lube. Madly he began to coat her plastic pussy and to his pleasure could feel her
began to warm up. Not waiting another instant he pulled hard on the old cotton
dress and felt it giving, revealing her completely. He sank his swollen dog into
her warm inviting hole. Putting his arm under her head, he began to pull her body
up toward himself. He closed his eyes and felt her warm gelatinous body quiver
with each violent thrust. He spat on his fingers and began shoving them down here
'O' shaped throat. His body saturated with perspiration was soon trembling with pleasure.
He pulled out dripping with lubrication, flipped Susan over, and began to slide
into her tight ass. The vibration emanating from her made his erection pulse. Slowly
he glided in and out of her. The smell of wet rubber invaded th air. Again, he
crammed his finger down her throat. He imagined her gagging and choking on his
fingers. He closed his eyes and could hear her moans. Just as his pleasure was
cresting he sank in deep and gave a short cry of ecstasy. A few seconds pass in
silence. Dave looks down at his new toy. Susan is just lying there under him,
blank face staring upward, not making sound.
Author notes
Written for the erotic challenge. under the catagory of fetishes my prompt for a short story-rubber doll. I have never written a short story at my leisure before, I hope it is satisfactory. I had a disconnect issue with the subject matter, but I have really put a lot of effort into this.
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: 15
There were a quite a lot of grammar and spelling errors. It brought this piece down a bit. You should always check and check again.
Presentation/Creativity: 18
It was good. I liked the way you depicted the guy.
How well you handled the challenge: 18
Grab Me Effect: 18
I liked it. This was well done hun.
Overall:18
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Total: 87 -
Intense piece, bold and imaginative. I admire the way you got inside the subject matter and illustrated it without being crude. Was so very interesting to read.
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Story elements are all there so congratulations on that. There are quite a few spelling and grammar errors which have let this piece down, I cannot stress enough the importance of editing in stories. As the advice to double space is mine I credit you with using it here, though that is really for sending to editors in print form... my fault for not making that clear. It does actually make the print out easier to read and note on as that is what I have done to judge all the stories. This does look good apart from the one missed line and would get past that initial scan of an editor, at least yours would have been read.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: 16
Presentation/Creativity: 20
How well you handled the challenge: 18 spell checking is a vital part of a writing challenge.
Grab Me Effect: 20
Overall:18
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Total: 92 -
Spelling/grammar/punctuation = 16
There were a few grammatical errors, which left me guessing what the word was.
Presentation/creativity = 17
This was double spaced, with one spot where it wasn't. The double spaced really didn't seem to work well.
How well you handled the challenge = 19
I liked how your character, seemed the need to perfect his fetish. Rather interesting character indeed.
'Grab me' effect = 20
I enjoyed reading this
Overall = 18
_____________________________________
Total -90
**Master Ktulu** -
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The only reason I double spaced this on is because I read this:
"Poems should be unless otherwise stated single spaced. Any other write should be double spaced." I read this here: http://allpoetry.com/column/2341689
I realize that I missed that one line which is ridiculous of me. I was just kinda confused as to if I really comprehended what "double spaced" is or what?????
Thank you for your useful critique.
Sincerely, Leah
PS I found some problems with the spell check but I will have my unabridged dictionary beside me throughout the challenge from here on in.
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Spelling/grammar/punctuation = 14
The fact that you used double line spacing took away quite a bit for me. There were numerous spelling errors throughout this write that spell check would definitely have fixed for you.
Presentation/creativity = 19
Enjoyed the fact that the dude was twisted lol!
How well you handled the challenge = 18
You touched on the fetish with him primping himself for her, but there wasn't enough feeling coming from him to exhibit it. A fetish comes from how one FEELS about something more than what one does about it.
'Grab me' effect = 18
Overall = 17
TOTAL = 86/100
I loved the idea of a loner actually finding happiness lol!
Have to be honest though, thought maybe Dave could turn out to be a serial killer what with the freaky way he treated that doll
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Thank you for your constructive comments! Leah
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You do have a lot of errors in this piece both grammar wise and spelling wise. However, I am not here to judge those things but things far darker and hopefully considerably more relevant. In the opening lines you demonstrate Dave's conscience is still intact and both shame and exhilaration are present together. Excellent move! While being excited, she was still something he could throw in the trunk of his car. There is no respect for the doll even though he grew more excited with the drive back. Very disconcerting. He could catagorize her abilities and qualities and he had saved for months to make this happen. Yet, as a reader she still only acheived the level of hidden in the 'trunk'. Again, scary. You obviously have added a portion of this peice to decry Dave as a loner in general to persuade the readers to understand his disposition. Again, short, but brilliant! Here is an individual who will put on music, take a shower, primp, and believe all this is neccessary for an inanimate object. Chilling! The interplay he then pursues and conversation he engages in is very telling about men. Secondly, the statement about how much work real women are is somewhere near the top of anything a writer could possibly add. In a few short staements you made clear that he has failed anywhere there must intelectual or emotional interaction. Once again defining your character at a moments notice and writing an encyclopedia about him in a few sentences. Flawless! You always remind the reader that the scent of the sinthetic is in the air. Once again, powerful! He imagines her as real and uncomfortable choking since he is finally in 'control'. You end the piece by leaving the reader not knowing whether this was enjoyable or not. The final sentence is only static and well worded and well chosen. In Robert Frost's works of 'poetry' there were always short stories. He never made a disclaimer that something was not a poem. You shouldn't do it either. I have given you an honest review and the only thing I ask is that you read http://allpoetry.com/poem/3705864 don't tell me what I misspelled or where my punctuation was wrong. Tell me how it makes you FEEL. RC
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Interesting take on a rubber fetish... not for me personally but I could definitely see where a rubber fetish could turn someone one in this story. Good job and you might want to tighten it up a bit by lookig at it through the eyes of an editor.
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Thank you for your comment!
I need to get a freakin editor! It is weird. I have this inability to read my work subjectively. I of coarse have little problems with this when it comes to others poems/short stories, but with my own things it is as if I cannot stand to read my own writing...quirky I know!
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that is an interesting story, my friend. it is a bit odd that they have a promt of a rubber doll on the fetish catagorie, but hey.. to each his own.
very good for being your first short story, very in dept, and catching.. best of luck on your contest.. could you send me the link so i can check out this contest????
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I have already found errors! Swear I checked it like 4 times. Dangit!
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