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Pauper

Balmy presence, do not depart,
from chambers delicate.

As love which fashioned from true start,
remains while breath permits.

And rhythm dictates this essence,
dwell more than thorn within;

To replace feared evanescence,
with calm effects of wind.

For I am poor from thou apart;
denied convalescence.









Author notes

"But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    April 22, 2008

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    Beautifully executed to the prompt. I was placed in euphoria within your first 4 lines.

    Your last two lines, so softly formed, tell nearly the entire story all by themselves.

    I found stanza three just a bit awkward for me, and think maybe it could be smoothed out some, even though the message is quite clear.

    Maybe something like:

    Our rhythm dictates soft essence
    dwelling more than thorn within;

    replacing feared evanescence
    with the calm effects of wind.


    Just a thought. This is truly a beauty that softly echoes Yeats' words and dreams the dreams of all men.

    Well done. Thank you for such a wonderful entry. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela


  • Deceits Tears silver member
    April 22, 2008
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    0h Wow, This is amazing and so lovely, your words caress


  • Tattboyspet
    April 22, 2008

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    lol - now if it was me, I probably woulda said something like: When we fell in love I thought it would be forever (for your third and fourth lines)
    crap - and there's the 'thou' thing happening again ~shaking head~
    Old English schmold English ...


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    April 22, 2008

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    My gawd...does that melt the heart and soul or what!

    wasn't that lovely...like the best chocolate mousse!
    With real cream whipped upon it and it doth melt down
    the throat! That was just heaven, if this was bubble
    bath i'd bathe in every day!
    loved it! loved it ! smartly written and absolutely
    flawless!
    (dang poet!)

  • JWGoethe
    April 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "for i am poor from thou apart" sweet line. I really like this, spare and concise though it may be.

1 - 5 of 5