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Oranges And Icy Flakes


As winter winds
swirl round his feet
the ground beneath begins to freeze
he starts to dream of raspberries-

oranges,

and garden peas.

But all around him, falling leaves
cold icy flakes melt memories
clear thoughts succumb to
cruel disease-

the puppet sucks on broken teeth.



Author notes

31st may.

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 43 of 43

  • Fire-Fly
    April 13

    Edit | Reply
    An excellent poem, conveying so much. Full of imagery and yet with a twist at the end.

    Well done on this one.

    Thanks for entering and good luck in my contest.


  • Salty Hibiscus gold member
    February 1

    Edit | Reply
    even at this moment, i dream of spring season. today's unusually warm. thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.


  • Luciferschild
    January 10

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    i liked the originality and the word choice but i didnt quite get the last line, i will take another look at this one when i judge, thank you for entering and good luck


  • SchizoChic
    October 1, 2008

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    Great write! This is just enchanting. Best of luck to you poet in life and in this contest. Thanks for entering


  • swim.x
    September 13, 2008

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    Such beautiful imagery! Also, I was astounded with your unique choice of rhyming words. I would never have rhymed freeze with raspberries and have my poem be so great.
    Congratulations.
    Good luck in the contest.
    Chin up,
    Swim.x


  • Walk-Free
    September 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    round 2

    http://allpoetry.com/contest/show/2419787


  • transit
    August 24, 2008

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    wow

    This was an interesting entry and the last line just grabs the reader. I love the imagery as it went from cold to warm.

    It starts to become sad towards the end though. congrats on the trophies and good luck in this contest!!

    transit~


  • checkmate
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow. this is simple, powerful and very deep. I love the spaced stanzas, the imagery. but there are things about poems you just can't point out; but you know you love it, that you can't get the words out of your head. and that is how it is with this poece. I can't explain this; all I know is this was one amazing talented piece and one I will not forget for a long long time.

    && of course. good lucks to you from all of us!! thank you for entering
    -checkmate♥


  • Maxboy gold member
    July 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I need your name and permission to print in your Authors notes before I can comment.


  • albymyheart gold member
    July 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for this unique entry in my contest. I like the imagery and the whole poem has a fresh, crisp feel about it yet an undertone sadness. You have rhymed six lines with the same sound...Well done...alby


  • Vidasmoke
    July 14, 2008
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    oh i like it
    i can even taste it ha
    good luck

  • MorganTea
    July 14, 2008
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    Good

    This poem was good, rhymed nicely, and had good pattern

    I liked this poem very much


  • daviscth silver member
    July 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the unique title you've given your piece. The imagery is very vivid. This is a scary disease to think of having. Thanks for posting.

  • Ace - LightWithinMe
    July 14, 2008

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    Hello.

    I have to admit the last line is puzzling me, and that I had to read the comments to get that it was Alzheimer’s, for I haven’t come across anybody with it, or at least I never knew, so I know nothing about it. Although only a few lines, this is very rich in its description, and you do really get hold of the reader, and make the point sharp and quick. I do feel that this is wasted on me in a way, my ignorance on this topic means I can’t appreciate it or relate to it as well as one who deals with it in whatever form.

    My regards.


  • innocence jaded.xx
    July 7, 2008
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    Will you please put the option number in your author's notes? Thankkks♥

  • thenorthernstar
    June 28, 2008
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    a comendable entry thanks for stoping by


  • Blooming Poet
    June 26, 2008

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    wow, the title alone got me going. That is something I would not normally think of putting together at all. Good poem

  • Fitz1901
    June 17, 2008

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    Wow!!! may I say it..its incredible. Its deep, smooth, has great images, and an ending line which I freakin love yet can't quite understand. Great Poem!!

    Thanks for entering


  • NickelleteXninja
    June 13, 2008

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    Thats amazing

    I wish you would have kept it going though

    I was literally holding on to the next line
    It is beautiful


  • Nangaleema
    June 6, 2008

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    this sent a bit of a chill down me as I read it - touches the senses. I enjoyed it.

    at the risk of looking like an idiot, I will ask...what is the meaning of the last line? - NANGALEEMA

  • wendymolly
    June 2, 2008

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    this is completely incredible. your a terriffic poet!!!!! take care, and god bless!!!!!!
    you are by every available means a finalist!!!!!!
    ~pithyAplomb.


  • meic
    May 19, 2008
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    Pungent and pithy. The staccato rhythm suits the theme and the mood of this very good piece.


  • ladame
    May 19, 2008

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    Seriously great write. I am reminded of Duffy, but more of Armitage. Very impressed.

    "the ground beneath begins to freeze
    he starts to dream of raspberries-" - I feel that this is the weakest area because of your use of the same sentence structure and syntax, with slightly different words and the same meaning. The same words would hit you with stark repetition, and different ones (different to these) would mark-out a complete detatchment. For example, I might have written "Dreams of raspberries swirl into formation" or something like that.

    My favourite and strongest part: your last line.

    Thank you.


  • sheltered
    April 30, 2008
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    Excellent rhyme and near-rhyme.
    The last line threw me a bit
    besides that... extrordinary.


  • jamiedoring
    April 27, 2008

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    Thank you for entering this beautiful piece into my contest.

     

    With very few words the impact was strong...Your wording and imagery is fantastic and I love where you took the prompt. Excellent.    :)

  • macplodski
    April 22, 2008

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    This is so good. So good it must send a shiver of sorrow and dread through to the souls of anyone who has witnessed a parent go through this. Well done.

  • Papagallo
    April 22, 2008

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    This was well written. I liked the line "icy flakes melt memories" Your poem speaks of what may happen when we age. We are in someway "puppets" to fate. Thanks for sharing your work. Papagallo PS May you do well in the contest.


  • Wandering Woodchuck silver member
    April 22, 2008
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    Nicely done. Best of luck in the contest.


  • Abe 1
    April 22, 2008

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    fab deep emotional poem
    i admire you fellow poet for writin this piece
    the title said read me the rest followed
    thanx for this
    abe


  • DarkHunter
    April 22, 2008

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    This certainly wasn't what I was expecting though from the title I should have guessed it had to be a little different! Powerful imagery that saddens the soul, let's pray we never experience this disease first hand and God bless all those who do. Best of luck in the contest.


  • Heavens Child
    April 21, 2008

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    The impact of your words and appeal to the senses felt like a wave washing over me as I read this. Many have said that it's simple, but I don't think so at all. There is alot of depth and power in the words you have written. I have come to truly admire your work. Best wishes in the contest.


  • aboomer silver member
    April 21, 2008

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    The powerful depth to this brings impact to your wording. Love your title and wording! I deal with alzheimers on a daily basis and have for 10 yrs. now - and it is like the winter ice coming in to chill and freeze the summer fruit. You can watch the progression of the 'seasons' as life gets colder and colder - for the person going through it and also for the person who is watching, caring for, and trying to deal with it.
    Excellent write but sad and powerful.
    best wishes in your contest.


  • RyanosaurusWrecks
    April 21, 2008

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    i had to read this a few times, not so much from a lack of understanding, in as much a craving to absorb the depth...well done


  • LadyUnique silver member
    April 21, 2008

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    i have MS. my father and a dear, dear friend both have Alzheimer's. your poem really, really touched me. it's simplicity is stunning. you've shown loss in a unique way that won't soon be forgotten. the ending line brought tears to my eyes and i couldn't resist the title. excellent

  • Bad Bill
    April 21, 2008

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    A poignant (and disturbing) piece which portrays imaginatively and poetically the loss of faculties due to debilitating disease. Very well-written.

    Bill


  • phantomwriter
    April 21, 2008

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    I like the rhyme in this piece a lot. An interesting take on the survival option. Beautiful imagery, even before you begin to look for the deeper meaning. Great use of vocabulary. Good job


  • Chelse-Oh
    April 21, 2008

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    I love the imagery. Even though you use minimal words, the thoughts on this piece seem endless. Good luck in the contest. <3


  • Sacred Ground
    April 21, 2008

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    I like this a lot. The use of fruit and peas bring wonderful color to this write. It presents an elegance and simplicity that is overwhelming. Great Job!
    ~S~G~


  • Amorita Maharaj
    April 21, 2008
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    Sweet :)

    Bravo! Simple and sweet... great poem


  • coolmommy
    April 21, 2008

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    Very vivid. I like the fruit you used to bring color to it and than use ice which is cold and almost blank, with no color. Nicely done.


  • frownsnfreckles
    April 21, 2008

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    oh! the imagery here is so tender and fragile yet so poignant and terribly sad in its finality.
    'icy flakes melt memories'
    A beautiful write


  • Jbthemilker
    April 21, 2008

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    As the grass sprouts the the spring springs it seemes this poem reminds us of the oposite side of the calendar. Today as I read this work we are having April showers. It is my hope these rains will bring both May flowers the the peas that were aluded to in the poem.


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    April 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow. such vivid description of a dark scenario. very good write. you penned it well.

1 - 43 of 43