you said it didn’t happen;
that it was illusion, fantasy,
a nightmare, mistake. But me? forced
to sit, staring – a black wall;
a bed: a blanket on a cushion.
my eyes are glossy but I see
fact now – it fits with
the “psychology of the abuser”
but how could you not spot
his wise gaze – contemplating the false end
of his end. Always watching, always
a sulfur way to act a man
another way to ‘love’ us – it’s all
a blur – no sight, no fight, no choosing.
the jizz – vicious – foul – salty.
Author notes
*edited after judging was finished*
PoeticEmily:
You must write a poem with the rhyme scheme of abcba
(3 stanzas)
Your rhyming words must be the second word of each line.
You may not use the letter "e" in lines 2 and 4 of each stanza.
Theme: abuse
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
The jizz
abuse in many forms just sets the tone for further abuse. OPne must decide whether to accept it or move on... My question is.. why use words of love at all?
-
What a piece of angry poetry here Emily. I am sure this was not easy to write. Good work and expression. Thanks for the read!
-
-
some of the best poetry is fiction.
-
-
Loved this. I could feel the anger in every word. I liked the way it flowed. Extended, this could become spoken poetry at its best. I can even hear the beat of this. I think you did a fantastic job within all the restrictions. Well done.
-
nice work.... it can be difficult to portray abuse in a different way... and you do that with ease. it was nice to read! liked it! all the best to you and all.....
-
Hi there :)
3rd stanza.....lines bcb.....words, *another & blur*, are not exactly the best of rhyming pairs, but I am going to let this one slip with only a half point deduction for that :)
.....and, I found ( 1 ) *e* in your 2nd line, 3rd stanza....*another* :(
Your 3 stanzas are nicely presented.......your rhyme pattern is perfect, except for that one area I mentioned.....your Theme/genre, abuse is penned well....not sure why you went inot third person....*but how could YOU not spot HIS*......and then going from, *contemplating the false end........of his end........HOWEVER.....>>>
The Impact I found in this wrote is sad.....personal.......sick, in a way......and abuse to the worst ~
I see you wanted to play on the words *salty*, and that would be *semen* I do believe.....and that is the Lasting Impression I look for in a write :)
I like the silent subject whom is speaking....not knowing if it is a girl or boy.....and that leaves more for the Reader to contemplate.....love it!
With the exception of those small areas I have mentioned, this is really done well and I applaud you for taking this Round and giving your best :)
Your score will be sent to Melanie at closing.......thank you for doing such a great job, and God bless you and your entry,
Bear ~
-
well...
good luck in this contest, it wasn't easy for me either! i do hope they like all our pieces and no one gets eliminated!
good luck, we're all gonna need it!
mike, aka jonathan wikkins
-
Wow you have done a superb job of this, not easy (all mine are in the bin so far
) You covered all the challenge extremely well, awesome poem to 
Good luck in the challenge
-
Okay.... this was not as hard as it sounded, was it?
Nice work.
My critique: often when we assign rhyming words that are not on the end of the lines, the poet will get choppy with the lines. You sorta fell into that bracket this week. The lines, some of them seemed even painful or choking to get it out. I think the problem was too many distractions throughout the lines... Examples: - ' , , etc. I am deducting 1 point for that.
Also I am deducting 10 points for every "e" that is not to be there. I counted one... (the second line of the third stanza "another")
My score for you this week is: 89.
Do not be discouraged! This is most likely gonna be the range of scores for the poets this week
This is a tough week for most poets Fear not!!
GREAT work! I am glad that you took the step to take the challenge. Good luck to you.
Mel
-
-
omg i totally did not see/hear that E - I looked and looked and did not see that E! shucks!
yes, it was hard... thank you for the critique!!!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
