Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

Collective Illusions

 



Weeping chandeliers cradled
on ceilings, embracing shadows
and intimate parasites -
tracing midnight with falsifications
of its own.

The rays beamed on bedsheets,
soiled with scents and reveries
that distinguished in moments
and re-appeared in plastic alterations
of madness.

Toes tapped on grounds reflecting
jesters that leaped off paper shards
and pounced wooden doors in attempt
to peel splinters away from formality.
Concave breathing raced,
betting survival for iron dimes.

[The mirror leaked portraits of
kaleidoscopic scenaries.]

Mental riots scribbled eulogies
on crowded pavements -
attacking grandmothers
with blunt knives;
they carved into stones

that were engraved with riddles -

prancing on roads
to mass suffocation.

Stunt performances acted out
when the covers caught fire
and the ceiling
caved in.



Author notes

Prompt: Depression
Count: 29 lines

I think this is why I can't sleep anymore.

A contest entry

Now you tell me:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 39 of 39
  • I have to say that this is the best thing I've ever read in my life.


  • Manoj Sanyal
    March 21
    Edit | Reply
    well expressed with metaphor and imagery...
    Thanks for participation.
    Good luck,


  • Amunet Wolfbane Moderators member
    December 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This one gripped me from the beginning. I like the lead it, it flowed well and takes you on a very vivid journey. I can say I honestly enjoyed every line of this poem and where it took me. Fabulous.


  • wolfwatcher
    October 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    imaginative it is, a very interesting write that leaves me feeling sorry for the grandma :-P. lol, it was a good write no doubt, it flowed very nicely. I wish you the best in the contest :-)


  • Jeremy0826 silver member
    August 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very beautifully written!
    Congratulations to you on your
    two Gold trophies for this write.
    Very well deserved and I hope that
    you do well with this contest!




    Jeremy0826


  • KayJay
    August 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Creative, unique, and thoroughly enjoyable. Love the varied imagery which crys the negative feelings you've captured and distilled here... Excellent!
    Ken


  • Age of Rain
    July 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Phenomenal word usage. I loved the imagery and how the descriptions really got my mind working.


  • LadyUnique silver member
    June 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is the kind of poem i can soak in. like eating cheesecake when you haven't had any for months, years and there's an elussive flavor you can't quite put your finger on... so you eat some more
    i hope that made sense


  • Ryno
    June 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    _Yes_ Creativity / Originality
    _Yes_ Imagery
    _Yes_ Metaphor
    _Yes_ Emotion
    _Yes_ Reaction
    _Yes_ Relatability
    _Yes_ Fluency
    _Yes_ Powerful Beginning
    _Yes_ Powerful Middle
    _Yes_ Powerful Ending
    _Yes_ Connecting Ideas
    _Yes_ Interesting Idea Behind Piece and/or a Message Behind Piece
    _Yes_ Interesting In General (Does Not Bore)


  • Nam
    June 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sort of a fast-paced read 'til the end where it suddenly stops. Whether you did that, or I just read it that way is irrelevant, it was well done in such regard.

    A good poem that you have written here.

    -Nam


  • BlackSwan
    June 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Amazing work of art.


  • Puking Faerie Dust gold member
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Woo! This was super rawkin'. I loved the alliteration in the beginning. It didn't overpower the stanza (I hate when it does) so it worked perfectly. I agree with Helen, it does have a Tim Burton-like feel to it, but that's a really good thing to me. The images were great and the ending was el perfecto Awesome one. Thank you for entering, and good luck
    Jeanette*~


  • Exodus gold member
    May 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Reminded me of a Tim Burton movie. It just had that not-quite-centered feel to it that I love. I did get caught on one line though.

    I don't think you've got the line breaking quite right on "they carved into stones that were engraved". The line is too long compared to the one before it. I don't really know, I just know it's not quite there. Am I making sense?

    That line aside, as always you blow me away, bring me back and blow me away all over again

    • Never Fall in Love
      May 6, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      I have no idea who Tim Burton is - lol..
      I've fixed the line breaks too
      ps: I love blowing you away - temporarily, lol

      • Exodus gold member
        May 6, 2008

        Edit | Reply

        YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TIM BURTON IS?!?!
        He did Nightmare Before Christmas, Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory && Sweeny Todd!!
        Best movies ever.
        lol Safe to say being compared to him is a good thing


  • W a s p
    April 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    YOU...

    have created...


  • Fug-azi
    April 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your usage of the English language is supurb, you seem to be able to place words that would normally have nothing to do with the subject and make them twist into something that really relates. This comes over as a very, very twisted knightmare .. but if this is what you see when your awake then depression would probably be a good way to describe it.

    Stanza 3 stands out above the rest for me.

    • Never Fall in Love
      April 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      That's cause the related words are overused and come accross as cliché
      I like to think I'm okay, not depressed - if that makes any sense


  • Naridill gold member
    April 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You know what, you are beautiful. Minds are beautiful things and you have more than something that works in conformity. It's scary but beautiful, you feel something worth penning and you do it well.


  • Asonine
    April 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice, makes me think of someone taking *acid* adn you writing the result, I don't know if that is good or not cause I don't know what you were driving at when you wrote this one.

    anyway, good write. I don't think I could ever write something as emaginetive as this one

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    April 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • Kari gold member
    April 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    EEK! I am sure glad that I wasn't there when the ceiling caved in!
    This of course is my all time favorite line :
    [The mirror leaked portraits of
    kaleidoscopic scenaries.]
    tehe


  • raedium
    April 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm sorry if you get the wrong ideas when you see that I view your works but rarely respond. I just--never know what to say that does your work justice, but you are one of my favorites, and the way to use the english language is particurally exquisite.

    • Never Fall in Love
      April 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I don't get wrong ideas - no worries
      I'm not going to hammer you if you don't comment - I rarely comment anything myself so I know how it goes
      I'm already flattered with your comments


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    April 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    and this is also why I am not entering because you kick me so far behind you cant even see a tiny dot to symbolise me is perfect with the metaphors and the message it portrays best of luck


  • Empathy Reborn
    April 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    nice... i don't quite know why but i sense a powerful underlying message... explain

    • Never Fall in Love
      April 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      My mind uncapped. It's like everywhere you go, something is out there to creep you out and bring you down. Kind of like paranoia except that I'm not afraid .. it's just what I see.

1 - 39 of 39