Our field has a
lonely population,
but is so thick with
ideas and fantasies,
there might be a
visible slouch.
Moon-fishing in delirium,
my target bobs
between clots
of swiftly moving clouds,
and broken winds
fluctuate in time
with grey unfurling
scepters trailing
our beloved.
Minds spiral in sync
with her radiance,
envisioning life
beyond a palm-sized
suburban story:
until then,
esprit within law
is an enigma.
Synthetic adrenaline
of midnight adventure
too close to home
leaves us high in
wild escape to a
new dictionary, full of
idealistic motives
and self-induced
prerogatives.
The trails of our
own language
could only be understood
by its creators,
so we play God and
grow drowsy
with only the stars
for night-lights.
Author notes
oltre
10/100
density. 40 lines.
For Alex.
A contest entry
- small words that count more than the whole world by Dienush.
4300 points, ended April 29, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poet's Choice IV by Luna Tique Fringe.
1750 points, ended June 1, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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There is some good imagery here...thanks for entering.
-
i like the stars for night lights
thank you for entering the contest. -
I really like the imagery in this, how it combines nature with psychological factors. I'm also a big fan of moon imagery, so you got me with that
Thank you for your entry, it sounds personal and nice.
~Diana
-
92
initial impact
20/20
this was fantastic. the opening set it up so well.
content
36/40
5 and 6 were weak and short. they felt inserted. the rest of it. genius.
flow and execution
36/40
a little wordy. a lot of clauses that needed to be offset by more simplicity. -
Love your images in stanza three, sharp.
I think the middle sagged just slightly against the weight of the rest but it is still really well done.
-
beautiful down to the last syllable
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