All I could offer you was hot rice soup
and a rug woven of my loose dreams
and new green reeds.
I had this image between my irises
that you wore wings, that your feet were frail
and weighed nothing, but when
your heavy heels bruised
the threads of me I had laid at your feet,
I forgot your spoon with the gray salt
in the deepest cellar with the mice.
Author notes
I have had this title for months, waiting for me to find the poem it belongs to. Your contest sparked that poem - thank you for that. *smiles*
A contest entry
- ~William Butler Yeats - The Passions of an Irish Poet~ PIF by Pamela A Lamppa.
875 points, ended April 22, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
I love the soup image and think the idealized weightlesness giving way to a heavy reality is a great direction to take the yeats quote.
I would loose "between my irises" or add something less redundant and maybe change "deepest" to "deep" (less melodramatic)
-
That was really, really good. Not only are your stories amaizing, but your poems are too. This was really good and very interesting.
-
-
Thank you!
I do enjoy writing in all styles. 
-
-
I love the title...it made me think of something Neruda wrote "among cold things". This is a gorgeous poem..deep and meaningful. It's as rich in emotion as warm soup even though it speaks of cold things. Really wonderful poetry...i absolutely loved this one!
~ Nicolette
-
-
Thank you so much.
-
-
Oh ouch! This one just bites back - HARD. What a twist in the dream.
I like the way you have handled the prompt and flowed through this piece easily, even with the sting at the end. Well done. Very very effective.
A wonderful entry to this contest. Thank you. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
-
-
Thank you for your words and for hosting such a fun contest.
-
-
An enjoyable read, at times it feels abstract which is really great. One thing though, I think if you edited the first line a bit and made it end with "rice", it would go perfectly with "mice" in the last line.
-
-
You know, I thought about breaking the line up that way, but pushing soup to the next line made it sound like it was the rice that was important...and then you don't need a spoon to eat it. *laughs* Trivial, I know...I'm still playing with this a bit, actually. Thanks for your comments!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
