Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

darkness and death

i lie in bed,
i cant breath,
darkness surroundes me,
hands shaking,
cant move,
it whispers in my ears,
its cold voice fills my head,
"death is closer that you think"
hair on my neck stands up at the sound of its voice,
then snap, my life is taken in to its cold hands,
im gone

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • LittleAnn
    June 4

    Edit | Reply
    An interesting poem which I liked reading - the only thing I didn't enjoy were the spelling mistakes...
    "i lay in bed" should be "i lie in bed" (please someone correct me if I'm wrong)
    surrounds
    whispers
    voice (not vocie)
    closer THAN you think

    As I already said, I still think this is a good poem.
    Thank you for entering my contest, I'll shut up now.

    Annie


  • mysticstorm gold member
    May 5
    Edit | Reply
    Very dark and sad...well done with deep thought...keep up the good work...
    Best mystic


  • Metaphorist
    April 23
    Edit | Reply
    Is this a form poem? It doesn't seem so. If it is, please put the type in your author's notes.

  • TabbyJoy
    April 22
    Edit | Reply
    Eerie! All the misspellings are quite distracting though.
  • celadia
    April 22
    Edit | Reply
    In the fifth to last line, you spelled voice 'vocie' other than that,a good read, very imaginative.


  • crazymomma
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    Eerie. I really like this one. Just one thing whispers
    not wispers unless you spelled it that way for some reason.


  • Charity Ann
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    Ooooo...scary. I actually get chills when I read this one. Although I'm not really afraid of death, I guess how I die is more of a concern to me. But I do know what it's like to be paralyzed by fear. There have been a few times when I've been laying in bed and felt exactly what you've described. Just a sudden wave of fear passing over me. Anyway, this is a great piece...good luck!


  • andywontdie gold member
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    The fear of death can indeed be paralyzing. I don't think its so much death that I fear but what lies beyond that. Very literal and point blank approach here. You do have a few spelling errors: line 3: 'surrounds', line 6: 'whispers', and line 7: 'voices'. I would also consider inserting a comma after 'snap' in line 10 to help with effect. Thanks so much for your entry and best of luck to you!


  • danceintherain01
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    I like this. I see that its for a contest and you have a typing error on voice, so you may want to change that. This is a really good description of fear though. Good work.
1 - 10 of 10