I found fragments -
littering the bathroom floor,
shards scattered
on the pristine surfaces
of bleached counter-tops.
Light refracted and deflected,
in shimmering prisms
and mesmerizing designs,
off the angular splinters
that once held my visage.
You shattered more than just a mirror,
battered more than my misguided vanity -
you demolished my pride
and severed the only remaining ties
that connected me to you.
Author notes
The contest prompt was the word "SMASHED".
The first image that entered my mind was that of a mirror shattered by a fist.
I was a bit uncertain about the wording of the last line, and almost used several versions, including:
"that connected you to me"
"connecting you to me"
"that had connected you to me"
"connecting your heart to mine" - JohnnyD's suggestion
I welcome any thoughts, suggestions, or criticisms.
A contest entry
- SMASHED - Read all rules by ellipsist.
360 points, ended May 6, 2008, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you really think. Criticism welcomed.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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The mirrored self...a powerful thing, in all its simplicity and complexity...a paradox of emotion and perception, bundled into one image, one being...simple light reflections given such vigor and life to make them an instance of a person...giving light to the frailty of the human soul, how easily it is tampered with, warped, destroyed even...by the stray, angry fist of raw hurt and feeling.
...Amazing poem! Well-deserved of silver, although it could win gold, given the chance.
--Flare
o|--|=======>
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the use of the word "ties" to me already indicates that you and I were connected, so the use of the word ties and connected to me seems a bit repetitive... I love bleached counter-tops - I love the image created in my mind - it's sterile and clean in an almost inhuman way and then I can hear the glass shatter and I hear it echo with the strange acoustic sound that can only be found in bathrooms and the glass pieces littering the floor seem so out of place - this is some fucking intense scene that you have brought to life... thank you... please forgive my vulgarity - I am not certain how else to express myself emphatically!
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very nice. i rather enjoy how much is packed into an image after the fact. you allowed the image room to breathe, to grow until the last second... and then told me what it was there for. nice title too.
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I'm not really up to much ...
right now, so I can't go into detail on this, but it's a great write. You've got my vote for the Gold.
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This is so annoying! I always start reading your poems intending to describe all the good points and point out anything that needs work, but by the time I've finished reading, I am so overwhelmed by the brilliance that I can't, for the life of me, think what to say.
Seriously - not just trying to flatter - it is sheer excellence. I hope you know that.
As always, great imagery, which is enhanced by the images and wording you have chosen. I love the use of contrasts "shards scattered
on the pristine surfaces
of bleached counter-tops." very thought-provoking and highly symbolic. I have to say that the middle stanza is my favourite, purely for the way you've taken scientific and mathematical terms and turned them into stunning descriptions of beauty - I'm not saying that science can't be beautiful, in fact it usually is, but your talents really shine through and are highlighted when you mix the technical with the aesthetic.
The last stanza is very emotional, so much that you can practically hear the narrator's voice becoming slightly choked as they recite it in your head - it was obviously written full of feeling - or the emotion you felt shows entirely in these lines.
"and severed the only remaining ties
that connected me to you." What a way to end. Tying it up nicely, and symbolising the end of a relationship at the end of the poem. Overall, a very poignant message.
Please, please, please keep it up!
Love and hugs,
Jess x
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mirrors can be so cliche... the same with broken ones. you've made the subject fresh and not a bit boring
this was a treat to read
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Masterful!
Hun you have created a world where I am seeing only what you have described here now on this paper ... I can feel shattered glass under my feet and feel the numbing pain of shattered soul inside.
Amazing!
Best of luck
♥
Stay asfe
Love to you
~Manda
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Shattered glass/mirrors always seems to feel like something is coming to and end. You captured a time where you feel like your a fly on the wall watching while reading your words..well done, thanks for sharing and good luck with the contest
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Excellent definition of the pix.
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"that connected you to me"
I like that last line better.
but babe, seriously, either way, this is insanely good. If I wasn't taking a break, I'd say you inspired me to write something myself, because this piece is inspiring. Great job, and good luck.
-Danneh<3
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I agree. Auntie, I love this peice. The last line does sound a little awkward
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Seriously, this is fantastic. Alot of depth and originality. Best wishes to you in the contest.
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Wow sis, this is dramatic, as if you had actually experienced this. Best of luck in the contest sweetie!
Love and peace always,
mj.
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Yes! I knew that brilliant poet is still in there. Dare I say this is the best mirror poem I've ever read? Well, there, I said it
For the final line I like "that connected you to me". I think less is more in this case. I might suggest using the reversal "me to you" as well.
Well done. Good luck is Leilani's contest!
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Very good descriptions you have here... You really held me in the moment... the darkness.. and the depth of this poem... It really has a deeper meaning, and a different one at that...
I really love the language you used... it was very well thought out.
Great job
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This is really good! I was captivated and concerned. I sure hope this is fiction. The emotional imagery is direct and hard hitting.
Love,
Amera♥
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