A poem curls in the spine of a boy who’s finally shut up,
sitting in the dirt, bent over his clipboard.
Another one flits in the face of his friend on the log
who was planning to write “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,”
till he lost most of his rage in the crook of the Douglas Fir,
and that damned woodpecker rattled off with the rest.
A lazy poem whines by, thirsty for blood.
An unconscious swat. Birds. A helicopter.
Author notes
I've just spent a week with my students at Outdoor School, a camp setting focussed on field studies. Of course, my study was poetry - based on acute observation - but I was worried they'd hate it. They didn't.
I told them they didn't have to show their work to anyone, ever, if they didn't want to (wanting to encourage them to express anything that bubbled up), and one kid said, "So we can use the F word?", just trying to get a reaction from me, but I said, "yes, if you need to." I think they were shocked.
Comments
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Me again. I just read some other comments from ca ne fait rien and Cat, both of whom I admire greatly, but I have to disagree and agree in one or two places. I apologise in advance, I don't like to re-write other people's poems but I hope you might forgive my giving my preference. In a way cat is right, that the 3rd line, is a little awkward. Here are my ideas
'Another one flits in the face of his friend who was planning
To write “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,” on the log'
maybe 'fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou' as stefan
a Douglas Fir, rather than 'the'
I saw you took on board Cat's suggestion for 'that damned woodpecker' I agree, that works well for me. Anyway, enough of me. Regards -
Your opening line is very rich and unforgettable and reads like the words carry the emotions, the frustration and relief, of the narrator, such is the rhythmic flow, rather than words that just describe something. The repetition of the expletive, not unlike the repeated hammering of the wood pecker, and the alliteration was also very appealing. You seemed to capture the whole process of finding inspiration in nature....I think I want your job!
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The first line of this poem takes the reader by the throat and never lets go.
All of this inside of us screaming to be let out.
Best I have read in a long time.
John
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Ah you have such a brilliant, brilliant job. What you've described sounds exactly like the kind of thing I'd like to end up doing. It's funny how people work differently outdoors isn't it. We had a lecture outside the other day and it sort of freed everyone up and everyone seemed to be using their creative brains and mouths instead of their academic ones. It's good to hear about processes of writing that aren't isolating too - I love the private-sharedness you describe. That thing how when people write together, many keep the paper tucked up tight on their knees. It ends up being this kind of crowded solitariness which feels so strange. Did any of them show you their work in the end? My friend does a lot of theatre in prison and he describes the way people open up to it as "a tentative unraveling into trust" which I think represents a lot of creative group work. The idea of swatting a poem, splatting it down's great. Some people are very cynical about people being 'taught' to write - but actually people are never taught to write exactly but rather taught that it is possible to see things in a range of ways - I mean this poem seems to capture that way of teaching that is just about giving people chances and ranks freedom over curriculum I think.
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that first line is fabulous ... that a poem shall come ... i wonder if line three would benefit from a slight repetition... 'another poem flits in the face' etc ... (love that imagery) and the lines that follow are great ...
the last two lines keep us within the poetic imagination ... luverly ...
i would have liked those last two lines to have more of a story and yet ... i get the story ... and that that lazy poem is mine/yours/theirs - whoever gets it ....
or something ... [i love my favourites list] >>> Gina -
what the fuck is the "F word?"
This is totally brilliant. I wish i'd written it. REally.
I like "helicopters" there for some reason.
You know, I've never seen a woodpecker outside of the cartoon. Do they really do that bizarre laugh?
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Yeah, they do, just like rabbits say "What's up doc", or at least the westcoast ones do.
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A poem curls in the spine of a boy who’s finally shut up,
sitting in the dirt, bent over his clipboard.
I love the spine poem hideaway
I love the boys and fuck it
I love your love of witnessing them
the form here was fine for me but perhaps
I am in the F word place in the big outdoors
with noisy woodpeckers pecking into the musky wood of things
and just love this for what it is and what you offered
yr lucky students
appreciatively, kat
acute observation=great stuff
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Thanks, Kat.
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Now look what you made me do , Cuz, I NEVER do this, not even to Nikolai.But just to prove I read it and that you took me somewhere with it,
The boy has finally shut up
and sits cross legged in the dirt,
a poem curls
from his spine bent
over his clipboard.
His friend astride the log
planned to write "fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou"
but his rage was sapped in the crook
of the Douglas Fir;
lazy,they swat at the poems
that buzz the air
flit in faces
a cloud of midges thirsty for blood
A helicopter whines one out
while that damned woodpecker
rattles off with the rest
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Mmmm, you added a couple of images I may just have to adopt, thank you! I think my ending doesn't quite fit, but if I mix it up with yours, I just might have something.
You!
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something feels jumbled in the first stanza- i think a few extra words ( one, his for instance )
line 3 doesn't seem quite nailed either- but i can't put my finger on it - but it has something to do with the "of his friend on the log" another flits in his friend's face - but then you would have his friend doing a header on the log so that won't work-
hmm.. maybe its the overuse of "the" ..
and i think and a damned woodpecker.. rather than that woodpecker because he hadn't been properly introduced before
I like the story- and the poem- i just think it needs something ..
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Thank you, Mary. I appreciate you spending the time to try to figure this one out; I struggle always with clarity vs. wordiness. You and Liza have said some of the same things, and I'll be taking a closer look.
Nice to see you.
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see, i should have looked down- that way you wouldn't have had to hear it twice..
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Actually, hearing things twice is probably good for me, since they often don't sink in the first time! Thanks again.
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Maybe you don't need
'one' after - another
also I had fun with 'fuck you''fuck you' shifting it around and placing on the log after it instead of before it..
who was.. seems a bit unnecessary, you could probably go straight from 'his friend' or 'on the log' to planning..
Love the little observances in this, and 'the poem' not written, but becoming.
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Thanks for that, Liza; nice to be picked at, actually, since I'm quite blind when it comes to my own stuff. Good observations.
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I think it's the way the log seems to hinder the image rather than enhance it, if that makes sense?
"Another one flits in the face of his friend on the log
who was planning to write “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,”
"on the log" is fine, not really needed more 'telly' than the rest, and "who WAS planning" ..is passive..
when I read it I found I could condense the image to :
"Another flits in the face of his friend [[ on the log///removed ]]
[[ who was///removed ]] planning to write “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,”
then thought... hmmm
and did this:
"Another flits in the face of his friend
planning his written “fuck you” on the log"
just playing, but like Mary says I do think the trouble is in the excess ..description for lack of a better word??
I'm trying to get over my 'insecurities' when it comes to critiquing
and you seem 'safe' if you know what I mean..
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Ohhh, I really appreciate your elaboration! I'm thinking yes, the log has to go - doesn't matter if that's where he was or not, it's an extraneous image and obviously quite awkward.
One of the poem prompts I gave the kids was, "Where does a poem hide?" - the idea being to look around for hidey-holes in the forest, even to think of a poem as a critter, and where would it hide. Some kids who chose to read their poems came up with some great stuff, and some were just romantic and florid. This piece is my version.
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I had the same thing when i did writing groups with my clients..... when I told them they could swear their heads off, they didn't
it's such a satisfying experience and I'm so pleased to see you writing from it...... wonderful stuff
G.x
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