Somewhere in suspension
the ripcord fractured --
The carcass
of your innocence
ricocheted off the cement
and left you
mangled and unwholesome
in the potholes - - -
You never were that great with goodbyes.
Author notes
color me silent
In a list
A contest entry
- Entertain me [freeverse] ♥ by whiterabbit..
330 points, ended June 29, 2008, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - There are no small poems Only small poets! by GypsyEyes.
300 points, ended June 3, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Not For The Weak III by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended July 4, 2008, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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this is a very good write from you. thank you for sharing this with me today and i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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Wow
I hate good byes myself they feel so painful, I think people should say see you later because we always manage to meet again even if the palces are the middle, some times it could be at the end. "left you mangled and unwholesome in the potholes..." Great line we should not fill in potholes nobody was made to be walked on. Great Write
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I don't know why I haven't commented on this yet. It won gold in my contest and I've had it bookmarked.
Anyways, this is brilliant. I love the way you've written it and your use of words. The imagery is so wonderful and it's so powerful for such a short piece.
Amazing write dear.
♥
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Wow, this is stellar, and I can see why you won the gold shiny thing. I really couldn't pick a favourite line, but you're definitely into the finals for sure. Well done, and thanks for entering!
Laura
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Wow, such powerful imagery. The brilliance was that this was so short but definitely completed the thought. You raise the bar on short poems with this.
My favorite lines had to be:
The carcass
of your innocence
I was just reading To Kill a Mockingbird (I know, random connectiong) which had a lot to do with coming-of-age and the loss of innocence. This was a brilliant description of a loss of innocence.
Good luck in the contest!
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oh this was very good! i like how you say so much with the imagery! thank you so much for entering my contest and i wish you the best of luck! ~CarnalNineTailedFox
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Yikes. This was very powerful. I love your word usage... It's brilliantly done.
"The carcass
of your innocence
ricocheted off the cement
and left you
mangled and unwholesome
in the potholes - - -"
Wow.... That is just... I don't know how to... explain... how amazing that is. Just so emotionally powerful.
Wonderful!
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Thank you! I'm glad you liked it... I wasn't very sure about this one, so it feels good to receive praise on it.
=]]
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