One Look Back

The pain faded.

The arguing stopped.

The hurt in my heart no longer existed.

"I" no longer existed in the physical sense.

"I" took the cowards way out.

"I" would find the sympathy I always wanted once she walked into the bathroom and saw me there in my own blood, bled for 'her'.

KILLED, by 'her'.

Dead, like she always wished I'd be, after our arguements.


The scars on my wrists, were no longer there...nor the red of my blood on the tips of my hair.
Had I dreamed my own death? Could this all be a lie? The light of the road...that leads to the sky.
I turn towards my body to see that its dead...my mouth hanging open with the last words I said.
I was gone, and it hurt. I was dead and alone...but the road to the sky still so brilliantly shone.
I felt free, and at ease..and no longer sick from the needle of hate, you'd so happily stick...
....in my veins which held liquid, meant only for you...kept continulously flowing by the things that you'd do.
We'd smile and lie, in the presence of friends...and fuck in dark corners always meant to pretend...
...we had some kind of 'life', bound by sex not by love. It was helpless to fight...when embraced by a shove.
My pain is now over, my life is renewed...and just so you know, it was never with you.
I walk towards the sky, when I hear a loud scream and turn back to the painting of life that was 'me'.
You're crying and holding my cold, dead limp hand...and begging me back, "Please, please God understand."
And a grin slowly grows, it's all that you see; I laugh and I curse you...while you beg and you plead.
I walk to the sky; fight the itch to turn back. I begin to ignore you, but my heart still reacts...
..."you were all that I lived for..." she quietly spoke, as the tears kept on streaming...I turned. Then I broke.
She was holding a ring, she had wanted to marry. Regardless of fighting; the burden we carried...
...for the brieftest of times, when we laughed and we played...on our playground of youth where the swings always swayed.
On the memories relied - to get past that one fight...to make love once again and to end it that night.
I ran back to my life...and clawed at the frame, shouting curses and screaming...now crying enraged.
"LET ME BACK, LET ME FIX ALL THIS WRONG THAT I DID!" but no answer would come...only one to forbid..
...just one last goodbye kiss...as I fell to my knees. She fell to the floor crying gutteral plea's.
Saying 'She's sorry...' I reply "Please don't cry..." but I know, she can't hear me and still I deny.
To the day that I'm buried, and placed in the earth. And the lines that grow deeply in the face that I've hurt...
....in her eyes, she is dead...still I try to claw through.....just to hold her one time...and to say "I love you..."
I watched her move on, and turn to the "drink". A life time of pain, always kept on the brink.
When drugs entered later, she fucked to get by. For a fast food chain dinner, and a bed to reside.
I had ruined her life and this was my hell. My penance to pay for the life I had held.
Men would come and they'd go, some would beat her, some walked. She shouted at shadows, just wishing they'd talk.
She gave up on her life at 12 noon, May fifteenth. Talking only to memories of times underneath...
...the playgrounds old swings, and the old wooden slide...where we first kissed beneath it then sweared it was lies.
While laughing in jest and walking hand in hand...her toes gently curling to dig in the sand...
Soft breezes that gently ran through her brown hair...casually stroking my arm just to show that she's there.
I gave up two lifetimes, to ridiculous fights. My selfish rebuttle never making it right.
My suicide impacting in ways never wanted...and each time she cried, it grew stronger; undaunted.
I fall to my knees, and wish for life back. But no answer will come. My life fades to black.