Why didn't I tell you?
I was misled,
I did not know
You had not been told
the whole story,
the entire truth
of what happened in the first convent
before I came to be with you.
I was misled-
I had been told you knew
That I had been
through a great ordeal
But no one revealed
Not even you,
that the facts, the truth
remained aloof.
I did not know
that it was from me
that you wanted to know
the whole story.
So I glossed over the facts
in general terms of what had happened,
thinking that you did not
need to hear a repitition
of the entire story,
whole and true.
I felt betrayed
by those who I dealt with
before you-
and then I felt
betrayed by you.
I misunderstood
that you did not know.
But not knowing that,
what else could I think
or feel or do?
The choices you made,
the words you used
reinforced my suspicions
that you did not
believe anything
of what in La Mesa
had come to pass.
So I felt antagonized,
betrayed-
I could not open up
to you,
Nor stay.
When I left for home,
I was a wreck-
emotionally, mentally,
spiritually drained.
I brought home more than
my suitcase;
my emotional baggage
came in tow.
I could not stand
to be in Church,
let alone at mass-
all the pain would just
come flooding back.
So much, too much-
and so I often that I could not pray,
I could not stand the
sight of nuns
or prayers of the faithful
for vocations.
I seriously just
wanted to run-
To run from the pain
that I could not hide
To run from the nightmares
I could not fight;
To run from the scars,
the traumatic images
stamped into my mind and sight.
I thought to turn away
from Catholicism, from
those role models who
failed to live Christian lives-
to even strive for the ideal.
I thought to turn to Judaism
or non-denominational Christianity-
but for the most part
these disregarded or despised
She who held the key
to my sanity.
Yes, the Blessed one,
Ever Virgin Mary-
to her I clung
knowing, as my last hope,
to stay by her meant
preservation from
eternal damnation-
No one could love the Mother
and forget the Son.
And so I a Catholic stayed.
It was not easy.
These past three years
have been very hard.
But perserverance brings
its own reward.
I am healing now,
And learning to forgive
Though I may never forget
Because what happened
back there was meant to be
According to God's eternal
and salvific decree.
Honorable mention
Silver trophy winner
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