The color of old peaches,
shriveled and shivering,
soft and forgotten
on the windowsill by the sink.
A full pocket
or an empty heart
in the hands of a mantid.
The smell of a diesel tractor
in air sweetened with dung
and loose dusty straw,
even when they were my neighbors
and best friends.
A car horn,
or the roar of a jet engine
hot-gray on a day
meant for blues and daisies.
The taste of morels,
even when cooked with butter
and fine parmesan.
A wearer of shoes
when the garden dirt is
so black and warm and womb-like,
ready to give birth
to new shades of green.
Merely a speaker
of words.
Author notes
*grimaces* I don't really like this piece yet, but I'm stuck. It may or may not be edited more before the contest is over. Anyone who provides a useful critique will be my savior!
A contest entry
- Autobiography by Randomly Beautiful.
1750 points, ended April 24, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I love it! It sounds very well thought out. Wonderful!
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I love the images this evokes. :f
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Thanks, and thanks for hosting!
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i think this is a clever idea and i think the language and imagery you use, the scenes that are evoked are all wonderful, as well as an excellent route to interpret the theme of autobiography. you say you are stuck and welcome critique. my only suggestion therefore would be to find a way of letting the verses flow more easily into one another, so it reads as less of a list somehow. as if these aspects are all interlocking rather than disparate! i don't know if that helps at all.
in all great poem. i absolutely love and entirely relate to the verse "a wearer of shoes", and in fact reading the verse "the smell of a diesel tractor" felt as if i were simply reading aloud a moment from my own life.
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I agree - I think this piece needs to find a way to flow better, but I haven't found it quite yet. Thanks for your comments, and I'm glad you could relate.
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