My anxiety does run high,
I swear it reaches to the sky.
My heart beats through my chest,
I never seem to get enough rest.
I'm up all hours through the night,
to get some sleep's an endless fight.
I get headaches for I'm always stressed,
each nerve is shot, my buttons pressed.
I need some rest to calm me down,
I want to smile, not always frown.
so please dear doc, help me out;
and give me some meds,
for my sanity's in doubt.
if you do, I'll be on my way,
and hopefully have a better day.
Author notes
Option # 24/ chose Mental trauma
A contest entry
- A little something for everyone :F by redhanded.
1000 points, ended May 12, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rememberance. OPTIONS! by Livingemptyspaces.
540 points, ended June 19, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by leander.
730 points, ended November 30, 2008, 147 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I want readers to give me honest feedback and any suggestions you may have.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
You did quite a good job with the rhyming here, until I came to the eleventh line.
Also the flow was a bit wobbly here and there, but all by all not bad.
The poem itself felt a bit to me as if I've read it somewhere a few times before. It has quite some clichés in it to be honest.
Anyway, thank you for entering the contest!
Leande -
Not bad ...
but I'd say remove the word "it" in line 3.
Other than that, you've done well enough. I would think that punctuating this would help, but that's just my opinion.
Hopefully you're having a good week and will be having a better 4th of July.
-
-
Thanks ecrivain for the help in correcting my work. Now I feel my piece is done well
-
-
This is intense..expresses anguish well..All the best in the contest!
-
-
I'd put ...
a semi-colon after out, and a comma after meds. Otherwise, it's perfectly punctuated.
-
-
Great job here. I love the fourth to last line down. It reminds me so much of Danneh. Anyway, good luck in the contest.
-
very nice..
very nice write you have here...best of luck in the future and in my contest as well...
andi
(redhanded)
-
Excellent.
This is very interesting do you know you made this like a clock if that was your intention that was a great idea to add to a wonderful penned well rymed peom I enjoyed every inch of it just let me add if anxiety was a mosquito how woudl you deal with it. life is too short to worry about many things we can't do anything about do what you can and enjoy love and life first thing is to clear your mind empty out all the garbage and start with a clean slate. Very nice write keep penning peace and blessins. -
-
First off I want to say, thank you so much for commenting. I am amazed that you, being the first to comment, actually noticed how I made it like a clock. It is like you know me so well! I appreciate all your kind words of wisdom and I am so glad to know you liked my poem. Is much appreciated.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
