your fingers are tangled like your hair
envious of the grace of octopuses
as you drop frying pans,
medical terminology textbooks,
cell phones & my dreams
on the cutting room floor
you weren’t built for juggling
but big colorful tents are magnets
to your over-achieving soul
so you pick us up again
and try try try
to perfect your routine
before the man in the big black hat
comes rolling into town
and right now
i’m flying in a boundless
ferris wheel along with fried
eggs, human anatomy models
and your new found fan club
let’s hold Newton’s followers
hostage without ransom
and delete the concept of
gravity so we remain
suspended in mid-air
*
i’m seeing you now
with clorox bleached
eyes
you’re not the expired
breast milk and washing
machine i saw in my
cataract vision
you’re a garden
in full bloom
enjoy the
bees
A contest entry
- small words that count more than the whole world by Dienush.
4300 points, ended April 29, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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agh. i love the "clorox bleached eyes" part.
very nice, words, story, voice, metaphors, etc.
i liked it very much
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I love it
It reminded me of Paul Auster's Mr. Vertigo, esp. in the beginning. Plus, I love poems that take you on a journey which you don't know where it's going to end, just like flying pollen. Cheers and good work! Götz
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Had to read this one a few times.... very complex and thought provoking. I love how you've used metaphors and combined them with reality I especially like the the last 4 lines. Congrats on the HM.
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This is a rather deep piece of art. I really enjoyed reading this beautiful write. Thanks for sharing...Shalom
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Sounds crazy. I had to read it twice. It was confusing but yet it made perfect scence. Great write!
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diffferent, fascinating
Imagery evokes emotion and scenery. Even though it is discontinuous, discordant it still "feels right". I liked the ending (maybe as a fellow gardener, relating). Nice job, IMHO.
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WOW! Beautifully expressive. Words like brushstrokes paint images both contemporary and timeless. Very impressive and mature work, perfectly realized and executed. I dig this immensely.
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Very original. Each phrase represented a different imagery. I really liked the different point of each sentence. Your description was very flowing and truly allowed me to see each aspect of it! great job!
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This is such an amazing poem. You have done so well here and the imagery is just amazing. I really love the word choice that you have used. Congratulations for winning the honorable mention trophy. Well done.
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This is really very good. Your imagery is unusual and fresh and I am impressed with the way you weave metaphors into one another. Very well done.
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I'm bemused ...
since I have no idea about the specifics of this, even though the gestalt seems terrific. I would surmise that many poetry sites would welcome this poem. If I were an editor at a site that publishes free verse, I'd be happy to receive this as a submission. Unfortunately, we only take sonnets or villanelles for Sonnetto Poesia.
In any case, it's a very good poem.
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Hi CP,
I like this because it is brave. Too much of poetry is safe and samey. The downside is the difficulty in getting it into print as most editors won't take the risk. However, whilst is has some 'off-the-wall' moments it seems to gel pretty well.
Good luck and congrats for making the final few.
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acceptance and forgiveness seem to lead to the most learning, understanding and sense of peace in any situation.
you really have a beautiful piece here.
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i love you.
this is beautiful.
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I like it this way just as much. I felt the dots bit offered continuity with your other poems (seeing those is a little passion of mine), but I think this version emphasizes better getting over past conceptions, seeing someone in a new light... Hope that helps.
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Wow, see, I knew you were going to be able to write something, and something that would make waiting and trying so hard worth it
The images in this poem give me the impression that you focused a lot on the content and what you are saying. I like the title you chose, how it relates to the first stanza, the medicine/anatomy reference, the dots... I like how you combine the beautiful with the daily reality so well - for many it's either one or the other in a poem. This poem is rich in imagery and metaphor and yet it remains so tightly put together in meaning. Oh, guess what, I think I might know who it's about
This is pretty much the queen (or king!) poem of interconnections - love it how you go back to the same motifs in this poem. I like the antithesis between "big colorful tents" and "the man in the big black hat", and I like how they seem to symbolize (originally) life and death. Also like how you talk about frying pans and a few stanzas away you speak about fried eggs, I can see so much in that. The second stanza sounds like more of an inside thing to me, well anyway a reference to something concrete... I love it when I can notice those in poetry, but I may well be wrong. The physics and vision metaphors are neat too and you follow up with them nicely. I also find it impressive how you also made so many connections with your other poetry in this (I noticed and remember at least two of them). You should have these published in a book of their own someday, if only to give newer readers a more ample context for such poems.
Just one thing I didn't quite grasp, though it's probably just me, is how you fit "by numbers" in the fifth to last stanza. I could envision you painting something in binary code (that is a contagious obsession), but I'm not sure if that's what you mean, and I feel the "by numbers" would be easier to understand in a line of its own.
I find the bits about the dots and the bees rather inspiring. I hope the way I interpreted them in my mind is correct and that you meant that (and that you know what I'm talking about).
This poem sounds very reassuring and... forgiving, pretty much, or this is what I get out of it. The person you wrote it for should love it
Thanks for entering my contest, too Sorry, I really should work a little on the length of my comments
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