I could give up the ghost in your gird
yet not be departed nor deceased,
time without end forever interred
in grappled embrace death deferred
flesh to immortality, my soul released.
I could in your heart intimately dwell
yet not be alive or exist in any realm,
finite dimensions bind flawed illusion;
Love a suspiciously conjured arcane spell
cast by an evil wizard in total seclusion.
I could lessen my distance from you
yet not be closer or nearer your heart;
cowardly fear makes it hard to impart
the parts of myself kept hidden from view
and things untold which might break us apart.
I could endeavor lofty provendential passions
yet not be sacred endearment or divine beloved,
temporal imitations are of a different fashion;
eternal love true and of an Elysian compassion
unconditional and rare save in Heaven above.
Author notes
In a list
A contest entry
- Freedom of fate by phantomwriter.
450 points, ended April 23, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Overall, very good choice of words - archaic and beautiful. Interesting imagery, as well. Your words create a sense of distance. I especially liked the third stanza.
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I liked it and congrats for the trophy...
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ooh.. this is really interesting.. I really like it..The imagery and emotions were really vivid and just.. I really liked it.. the rhyme scheme was really good.. I don't find that many poets here that are good at rhyme but you did a great job of it.. Congratulations on the Silver..
Angel
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For a poem of love, this seems well intentioned... The phrasing leaves a bit to be desired, as far as 'beauty' goes, but there is a certain something that stands out. If it is something of a dedication; I would merely suggest more of an undertone of affection. Overall - I did really enjoy this - despite my criticism, I was touched by your words. Nice write.
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Oh My~~
Now this is one Magnificent piece...
while I was reading...images came to mind but also could not help but notice a tight rhyme and scheme...
Did You do this in a specific form~ one You invented?
Brilliant take on the prompt~
Loved the flow of Your words and message that stains the Mind
Congratulations on Your Trophy win!
-Throws confetti-
Woooooooooo Hoooooooooooo
Thank You for sharing Your Heart and Spirit~
Many blessings to You in all You do Sweet One
Best wishes too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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Michaelangelo
I was reading quite a bit of the poetry of Michaelangelo and he used a rhyme scheme similar to this pattern. Most people don't realize that as well as being one of the greatest artists ever, he was also quite a skilled and adept writer.
until immolation,
grimoire
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What a moving piece. I love your word choices and the way this flowed and provoked thought's and emotions as well. The last line was phenomenal, to say the least!
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A very intriguing piece of penning. Emotion, intricately layered, surging behind insecurities of sort. I read so much from this, so much is being said - even in between the lines. Sometimes we are able to look beyond someones shortcomings; their past, their flaws - all that does not show who they are - but what they once might have been. There is a dark to every light, and a light to every dark. An acceptance for what needs not to be spoken.
"I could lessen my distance from you
yet not be closer or nearer your heart"
There are indeed, some amazingly touching lines here. The piece as a whole is very unguarded, even if still somewhat reserved. Thoughtful, sincere, and wonderfully prolific as well!
Thank you.
Once again you leave me in awe.
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Indeed, once again you read exactly what I intended to write. Figuring out what I was trying, poetically, to express... and more. There was a part of me which I did let my guard down on in order to write this. I am very pleased that you found it thoughtful and sincere, for those are both things I strive for, and especially so while I was writing this.
It is I who is left in awe.
unto a modest repose
& humbly,
Grimoire
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awwee sooo lovely!!! amazing imagery!
she will love it, so amazing!
Tasha
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This poem is amazing, I loved your rhyme scheme.
"I could lessen my distance from you
yet not be closer or nearer your heart;"
Those had to be my favorite lines, to me there's so much longing and sadness in these lines.
Good job and good luck in the contest!
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Superb
Ah, a fine write as usual, as well as being a very nice tribute. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme were just fine.
Thanks for sharing.
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wow.. i absolutly love your rhyme scheme here.. its amazing.. the poem is beautiful.. definitly worth reading. (:
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wow
your rhyme scheme is wow..very unique write..seems a little bumpy but overall is an utter joy to read..your imagery is spectacular..and your ending is the last piece of your puzzle..thanx so much for sharing..blessings..namaste..
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interesting! Not sure I totally get what's going on here betwixt you and her. The words and turns of phrasing here almost make it look as if you are trying to create a wall of abstraction to protect yourself from the intensity of the love you feel for her. Good write. Thanks for sharing.
Erik -
"...I could lessen my distance from you
yet not be closer or nearer your heart;"
That, sir, is perfection!
Fate dare not interfere with that!
Aesthete
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its wonderful
this piece shows u have deep feeling and u put it out there. I heard and saw wat u were saying thru the images and feeling. it shows true gift and talent and a passion to write. i loved it
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wow this is a really deep piece ^^ love the metaphors and imagery in here. you truly have a gift. good job ^^
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Wonderful
A very deep and reflective write. They rhyme scheme flows well. Seems you might benefit from a few more comma breaks were thoughts change, such as after passions. And periods after released, illusion and seclusion. I think you did a great job of conveying the feelings and thoughts. Best of luck in the contest.
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Wow. This is beautifully deep. Your rhythms and your vocabulary are absolutely wonderful. Great write, best of luck in the contest
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