It was an unremarkable
path that day,
rising and drooping
the familiar rhythms
of months before.
Drifting reveries
infused surrounds
with the blur
of verdis and earth,
unconvinced scarlets,
and reluctant cerulean.
Muted prisms
blanketed concerns
into the comforts of sameness.
Then you flared
after hours of masticating
the stinging slap
of another's secreted
smallness and
vicious vindictive.
The petty hide,
so you turn to
the one you know,
the one you peel
back your chest
to share your sushied heart.
Moribund Helices
amplified by hurt and panic
launch your invective...
my path collapses
into an onyx well
that sucks all visible light
into darkness
so severe
that lumens
are no more.
I grasp a fingerhold
and still the winds
of falling.
Staring at my palm
my current sparks
an ember in its center
undulating a primrose warmth
I touch to my heart,
where its reassurance
spreads at vascular velocity.
I offer my palm to you
to share its heat.
You took your risks
and I paused to warn you,
yet knew you had to discover
through experience, not tales.
Still, I love you...
even in the face
of my discomfort
with your sharings
that now invoke the nether,
you are no longer alone.
Even the most sable ink
is composed from
the palette of rainbows.
A contest entry
- Sharing Seasons Without Warmth & Wonder~Quote & Colour Theme by Blue Rew.
1088 points, ended April 23, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Thank you for entering my contest
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I'm probably biased here because I don't relate to these kind of feelings; being romanced through a dark and mysterious fantasy...
You did an exceptional job on the vocabulary, nice to know I didn't have to force my way through the same words that can by summed up in one four letter word.
However, throughout the writing there were parts where I was just reading words that had little to do, as though the words themselves wer only there to be seen; the subjects of the writing were lost behind a wall of adjectives.
Reader's with short attention spans will not finish through, because this piece is beautiful, but neither suspenseful, nor completely captivating.
Congrats on the gold. -
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Dorick, thanks for looking. I appreciate quality critiques. you have an unusual take on this piece, and I always try to listen to the reader, as these are interactive arts and the reader who absorbs themselves will take a piece to places I could not imagine.... which you did here. This piece has nothing to do with "being romanced through a dark and mysterious fantasy..." I won't explain it, as I like to see where readers take it, but this was an unanticipated and unique interpretation. It was a contest entry where the thrust was colors and metaphor, so it may in fact meander. There is a story, but it may be too obtuse, which is one of my weaknesses. Thanks for reading.
RW
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enthrowling
it felt like a haloween tale, but I know vampire's work all year. Quiet interesting on your style and metaphors.
Tamara
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Just now seeing this, your comment. When a writer throws these things up, they sacrifice their abiding rights to guide the interpretations. Your vampiric perspective is unanticipated, which makes it even better, as you breath a new life into this older piece. If vampiric then, a cold and reflectionless breath, a different kind of life ... near immortal, not quite....
Thanks for stopping by and welcome to any other pieces I have where you visit.
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You're very welcome, I gave honesty, and that's what this piece, and all others deserve.
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Wow
Pure brilliance, just so well crafted with your broad use of vocabulary in ways that speak wonders. The meaning behind this is just so powerful, I feel. This poem brings back so many feelings I have just recently harnessed and circumstances I have just experienced. I cried to this, that's how much alike it is to my thoughts and memories right now. This one hits home, captured by such vivid imagery, a rainbow of colours, and jam packed with emotion. These lines really sank in my mind deeply
"You took your risks
and I paused to warn you,
yet knew you had to discover
through experience, not tales.
Still, I love you...
even in the face
of my discomfort"
&
"Drifting reveries
infused surrounds
with the blur
of verdis and earth,
unconvinced scarlets,
and reluctant cerulean.
Muted prisms
blanketed concerns
into the comforts of sameness."
This poem really inspires me to write in similar ways. Your style is purely original in its best. This is now my favourite poem of the day -
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Bella, you overwhelm me with grace that you allowed your self to absorb into the piece. I always belief the writer does what he does, but that a given art is incomplete until the reciprocant absorbs the words and takes them to places the writer did not imagine. You are then a collaborator in the experience. Thank you for taking the ride. the piece now enjoys another completion.
you gave a high quality depth review, not everyone can.
Thanks again
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i read your profile and since you won gold in my most recent contest wanted to check you out further... you are abosolutly spot on when you say that you like to string words together. i am impressed with your vocabulary and you even like some of my fave words... the ones you never see on here.... so that makes it even better to me to see so many of them washing up in your poem. this is another brilliant right and i can see i am not the only one since you have another little gold cup on it. i think you are an intelegent writer and your pieces flow beautifully. you may not have been doing this long but amature (as you say you are) you are not. you wrote this better than many a pro. very much a pleasure to read. i think i will add you to my faves so i can peek in on you and see what other treasures i might find
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stunning poetry and a very powerful theme.. your personal perspective and colorful imagery are extremely envigorating to see at AP. I'm sorry it didn't fit in the contest- it was a brilliant poem.
Cheers.
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Congrats on the Gold here hun!
*throws confetti on you* -
Congratulations on the gold! the image of the glowing ember in the palm transferring it's heat and emotion to the heart and then to offer it...and I love the last three lines so well!
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thank you for reading and your kind review. First contest I ever 'won.'
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Holy Moly! What a write...
I need my dictionary again lol.
This was epic!
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The fourth stanza just overwelms me with its intensity and meaning perceived from personal
perspective. Metaphors and free-write when combined
are intoxicating and can lift poetry to another level.
This concept is proven here. Colours abound throughout
to take on life meanings and emotion. Again, something
I strive for in my writes. This lifts the theme to
a higher level and reminds me of recent "risks" I
have had to share in the fallout from. To pen emotion and compassion with such ease is to share a true piece of yourself. Thank-you for that. Blue
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You elevate the contest proctor role by carefully reading and allowing yourself to immerse in the writings. Often so involved in the production of these little vignettes, I think we forget that there is an 'art of the recipient.' That alone is enough to thank you for, but you also then render a thoughtful and kind reflection back to all your entrants. You have grace, and bestowe gifts.
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Excellent "share your sushied heart." Great imagery throughout. Outstanding "reassurance spreads at vascular velocity" and "even the most sable ink is composed from the palette of rainbows!"
Well told tale of lashing overflow of hurts at a trusted safety valve, and receiving a compassionate response.
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Thank you mounds for reading
I suspect most here reach deep and pull out light and seaweed by the clumps, arrange them as artfully as possible, then ... hope other journeyers will read, absorb and reflect back. You are so gracious to do so, and I will return the favor. -
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You give a great metaphor for the creative process, and what I imagine most of us hope for on this site!
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