Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Grotesque Art


Dwelling in the darkness,
on a cool spring night

are phantoms of horror,
and shadows of fright.

Sucking in dreams,
with tangerine smiles.

Pour out nightmares,
carving so many styles.

Tarnish key quivers,
when turning the lock.
Fading swiftly to dust,
amongst crumbling rock.

Peel magma layers,
scripted plans create.
Etching perfect cuts,
the stone mutates.

So carefully sculpted,
a grotesque gargoyle.
Delivered with artistry,
and long hours of toil.

 

Author notes

PO contest.
Theme; Sculptors

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    April 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A sculpture of a gargoyle!!! Only you could think up that!! This is awesome... love how you described the making of the sculpture in this...


  • trista gold member
    April 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Pink,

    Now here’s a subject I wouldn’t normally think could even be poetic ~ gargoyles. Wow, very interesting! I really enjoyed your theme, imagery, and rhyme.

    As Bear mentioned, the impact is a tad bit borderline...I’m not sure it’s because of the rhyme though. To me, I’d have liked to see this used as a central metaphor for some kind of deeper message or meaning. There’s certainly nothing wrong with keeping it simple, but with such a unique subject I think there’s a lot of potential. Not a lot of people are going to relate on an emotional level to this, so if there’s anything you could connect this to, the more readers I think you’d pull in. The sometimes ugliness of human nature, or how beauty is not always the important thing... (why DO we like gargoyles, anyway? ) Just trying to throw some ideas out there, though I’m sure you could think of plenty on your own.

    As for the way you’ve placed your commas and periods, when I read this out loud and put the pauses and stops where you have them, it reads pretty darn good to me. Grammatically I’d probably choose to put them in different places, much as Bear has suggested. But if you are using them strictly to pace the poem and have it read as you (I’m guessing) hear it in your head, that’s something different. It’s always a challenge to make something sound on paper the way we hear it in our minds, isn’t it? Keep in mind though, a line break will automatically make the reader pause, so often you can get away without using a comma at all. That might be something to consider in this, just to keep any confusion away for the grammar picky people. (like me? )

    Not much else I can think to add, other than that I enjoyed reading this. For some reason it makes me think of gardens and spring, which we‘re finally...slowly...moving towards. Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck!

    Best wishes,

    ~J.


  • Arkbear gold member
    April 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hi Pink :)

    The first thing I noticed....was your comma after your first line.....and I believe....it should go after your second line for better Flow....right?

     

    The period after *smiles.....seems to warrant a comma instead....for Flow....right?

     

    Same way with *lock....*create....*gargoyle.....needs commas I believe for Metered Flow purposes ~

     

    Not REAL big deductions.....but as a Reader, I wanted to bring those to your attention :)

     

    Liked the rhyme.....a little elementary in grammatical choices, but not bad ~

     

    Each stanza has something fresh and new to add to the Imagery department.......tangerine smiles.....cool!

     

    The Aha moment is a tad weak....but considering other writes, at least you had one :)

     

    The Power and Impact are border-line......and I think the reason for that, is because you were more concerned with your rhyme and forgot to give me UMMPH!

     

    ....and I think you meant....Sculptures....instead of....Sculptors.....yes?

     

    Over-all, not a bad entry.....nice and original for sure.....loved it.....but there are some areas which are going to hit your entry hard.....so be prepared!

     

    Let's see how it does....ok?

     

    Good luck and God bless you my friend,

     

    Bear ~

     

    Title   9.2

    Flow   7.5

    Depth   9.6

    Theme   9.85

    Feelings   9.25

    Grammar   9.75

    Presentation 9.85

    Uncommonness  10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.4

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score: 94.4

    Not bad....but I feel that this could have scored better with some editing.....it wasn't a real strong entry, but it had some great qualities about it IMHO :)

    No editing ~

     

     


    • LadyDementia gold member
      April 21, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Hi bear Thank for your great review. I will work on this after the contest is over. I will be honest and say my mind really wasn't on the poem the whole time I was writing it It pays to concentrate..lol. Thanks for pointing out the grammar to that is my worst area....some things never change


  • Jonathan Wikkins silver member
    April 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    first i'd like to say good luck in the contest!

    i looked at it, just didn't find much time to write for it...

    this piece has tremendous metaphor and imagery in it, just not sure if there's some hidden message behind it...
    is it?

    good luck
    mike, aka jonathan wikkins


  • jamiedoring
    April 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Original and creative....flows great and you've chosen the right words for your short lines. Nice write! Completely unique theme too. Good luck to you in the contest!

    sucking in dreams
    with tangerine smiles....

    LOVE those lines....my favorite.


  • Thoughts-of-Soloman
    April 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Heh', I like the way your poem itself, looks like a stone pillar, you can imagine all these gargoyle faces carved into. Also the literally cool way it reads. All the best to you, Sol


  • aboomer silver member
    April 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like gargoyle's! and I like this! Well worded and a nice unique theme, too.
    And your last 2 lines says a lot - it takes a sculptor, with a lot of skill, a long time to produce a well done piece.
    best wishes in the contest.


  • Pete Greenslade gold member
    April 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i love gargoyles and your flowing rhyme on this granite subject... lovely good luck ..peter xx


  • islekine gold member
    April 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Well penned!

    I love your theme! Something new. Living where I do, my "gargoyles" are Buddah!
    Best wishes in the contest!
    Write on!
    *PEACE*


  • grannyeri gold member
    April 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    So many have these gargoyles in their gardens - so grotesque, for certain, but they also have such an endearing appearance, don't you think? Enjoyed these lines.


  • NeonRose
    April 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very clever! It draws you in, and leads you right to that fantastic ending! Good luck in the contest.


  • RyanosaurusWrecks
    April 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a fine entry, and a very very good theme...you had me going down one direction, and then when i read the ANs, it set me straight...best of days to you

1 - 13 of 13