you feast off of your helpless prey,
bend beside her when it's time to pray;
said, 'this is going to be a treat'
and took her underneath the sheet.
molded her body like clay.
all through the night, there you lay
but waited 'til she began to fray;
the spot between her breasts is oh-so sweet,
enjoy your sick feast.
her tears come as you play
then her eyes start to stray...
time to go, you left the bed neat
after you reached in, stole heartbeat,
left her bruises on display;
enjoy your sick feast...
~~~
Author notes
oltre round 9 ~ http://allpoetry.com/column/2341925
Prompt: vulture. rondeau.
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Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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54
initial impact
6/10
had some spunk.
content, flow, and execution
20/30
it felt a little wordy. the imagery wasnt as sharp as it couldve been. but the rhyme seemed really natural.
form
5/30
this is not a rondeau. refrain should be 4 syllables. body rhyme should be 8.
originality in prompt interpretation
23/30
i really liked that you didnt actually use the word vulture. that being said, this agressor thing is just a tad played. -
The only thing I did notice was that vulture was not in your piece, the word itself I mean.
In stanza two I would suggest removing the 'oh-so' from line three, it overdoes it slightly.
Your emotion is strong in this and your refrain really is twisted. I like that! -
I'm thinking "Stockholm syndrome". But then again, that's just me. Amazing poem Cassie. I love it.
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Oh my gosh. This is amazing! I love the flow and the descriptions... Your poetry... Is so... Amazing... hehe.. I'm so jealous!
The rhythm to this one, is perfect, and just... wonderful... This is dark, yet... not dark in a way that one would think..
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Yay! This is beautiful! Filled with a passionate anger that flows wonderfully from your pen. Anazing imagery of emotion. Very few poets can master the Rondeau as well as you did here.
Love,
Amera♥
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Thank you for your nice comment and thank you for helping me!
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