Clumsy in jellyfish skin,
she scrapes the sky until
even its bones are hollow;
a centipede in water:
all these legs and
none to swim.
We breathe to keep afloat,
to keep from the cavern.
Bloated and sanitary,
Tangled in hands
and
Ocean bones wrap around
Flailing muscle;
Translucent blue, to match
the blood-dirt color
under her fingernails;
Dream away spirals of
human flesh and cardboard eyes,
that sometimes turned shades
to reflect her own.
Feeling words
Drip down cold and
Molding caves;
Shoving teeth into
Premature mouths that
Choke and sputter on
Seaweed and dangerous pitches.
His heart - water bumps
on a callous,
multi-colored algae tides
that turn the sand black.
Beached and sun-dried,
clumsy in crusty skin;
A type of dirt,
a type of broken,
that the water cannot wash,
Joints cracking with salt and
Evidence of use.
Soot-colored iris
Fills glasses with beauty
And mermaid promises.
Oyster cracked;
Sunken eyes sing of old ships
And new days,
Irritation sours from the inside out,
Where water and penicillin
Won’t wash “clean”.
Author notes
Hellen/Danielle collab.
Prompt: not dishwasher safe.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
i feel it could have done better without the phrase "mermaid promises" seems to kiddy for my taste but over all the images were very lovley <3
-
-
Twas alluding to T. S. Eliot.
Thank you for the comment.
-
-
I liked the poem overall, but you guys seemed to be a little sloppy with your imagery. At least to me, anyhow.
For example, you talked a lot about the “washing clean.” I could have only taken that once. It would have had more effect if you focused on all of that polluted, dirty metaphor & image about the black sands & just disgusting shit & then ending it on that note. It lost its power because I knew it was coming.
The oyster line though? Classic. I loved it. Really smart stuff right there.
I appreciated the poem, but the execution, well, just remember that less is more. That’s all.
-
no, I didn't understand it, but don't try to explain it- it is not necessary, for this piece is a great 'voice/mood' piece- you could have said anything (and I'm guessing you probably did!) and your voices/moods would have made it through... so the piece is not for the analytical reader, but for the feeling reader, for trying to figure out what you're saying without your explanation is impossible...
the voice is vogue, meaning it is currently common, and you'd have a good chance of getting it published in a vogue/style-oriented publication- for it oozes of the young and contemporary (the kind that people see money in, and will try and emulate, and thus something that will become academic over time, if not already); I'd love to create a thousand of these, but I don't have the 'voice/mood', so my attempts would be futile at best, and fradulent at worst...
as for evaluating the meaning/content (whether it's beyond cliché or not, such as 'boo-hoo he/she dumped me') I'd have to figure out it's meaning (which is impossible!); the bitter-aftertaste voice is not uncommon, however (and I haven't related to it for several decades now, since I'm now the 'THEY' or the 'HE' that people aim their disaffections toward!)(and unfairly, I might add!)
so this piece is for the voice/mood audience, the analytical will go "what?" the piece is for those who have like voice/mood (the young, the disaffected, the soured-on-love); I don't fall into any of those categories, so all I can do is appreciate it's merits from the outside- so it's like listening to someone complain and I don't understand a word they're saying but I 'feel' them... (if you can relate to that!) Well, I hope I've given your writing/insight something new here...
Adding your comment:
