Constantly, stretching, my imagination,
in pursuit of additional information.
Knowledge soaked like suns rays.
Thoughts like thunder; eclipsed days.
Autumn leaves, feverishly fall.
Five to midnight; clock on the wall.
Memories fading with the mist,
Why is it, I exist?
Did I remember to cross every “t”
is “fulfilled” stamped on my destiny?
Searching deep within my soul,
waiting for clock to toll.
Author notes
POW
Theme: As I grow older, I wonder if I am doing as I should...If I've truly lived the life that was "destined" for me...Lord knows, I try!
Even if there isn't such a thing!
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended April 21, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
-
Hi Julie,
Youch! Bear gave you a really tough review this week, I see. The bad part is...I have to agree with him on most of it.
Maybe not to the same extent as he saw it though, and with at least one thing I didn't agree on. And for the record, even though this won't be your best score ever...I do like this because I find it so relatable. 
Okay, firstly, yes...this theme is written on pretty often. That makes it doubly important for you to reach for those unique observations, phrases, etc. to bring your idea across in a way we've not seen before. I do think you have some nice imagery here though. I loved the 'is “fulfilled” stamped on my destiny?' line. I'd have loved to see even more imagery, but there's still enough to keep me interested in the write.
With the exception of your first and last lines, what I actually enjoyed most about this was the almost hypnotic flow, enhanced by the rhyme. I'd suggest just a couple of tiny fixes: Taking out the first comma (and maybe even the second one) in L1, and putting "waiting for [the] clock to toll" in the last line.
I think this is one of those poems that is constructed pretty well, all in all. It won't score well in a PO contest because we do look for a more unique theme or approach to an old one, maybe more complex rhymes (though I really prefer a simple one to a complex one that sounds forced) but in a contest geared toward this theme I bet it'd be a knockout winner, as so many will relate to these feelings.
For as often as you've joined us in the PO contests, we know what you are capable of, so don't be discouraged if we're a wee bit harder on you than we might be on someone new.
Not every poem is going to blow us away, but we're still going to look forward to seeing what you bring us each time. Now if only we could take alllll the points you've saved other poets on the rules again this week and add them to your score instead...!!! 
Good luck and best wishes as always,
~J. -
-
Aloha Julie!
Thanks for commenting. I knew it was not a worthy entry...
sometimes one just wants to know where the scores lay...if that makes sense...anyway...hope to blow you and Bear away..
next week. Take care! As far as helping the others...I like a level playing field...
...
Then again, some prefer to see just how much they can tip it! Take care...be well and blessed!
Write on!
*PEACE*
Julie
-
-
Hi Julie :)
OK....nice rhyme....but that last line needs a meter check, as it just ends abruptly.....maybe.....*waiting for the clock the strike its' toll*?
Back to review....loved.........no....liked, your Theme....not as original as I know you are capable of, and this has been done before ~
So.....let me dig right in without hurting your feelings.......I felt you are farrrrr above this entry......not saying it is not a good write, because it is.....but.....YOU, are farrrr above this write in the way it was structured, lay-out, penned in elementary style format, and short of Power, Imagery, and Lasting Impression ~
The Focus was good....the Flow is perfect....the Impact is weak.......and I just think this is not your best effort this week :(
So....with that being said.....the over-all impression I got from this, is deep human, mortal thoughts which we all wonder at times, which also cuts down on originality.....and yes, I did like the way you placed yourself in your write.....but 52 words, give or take a couple, is not what I expected from you, and it leaves sooo much more room to have thrown some metaphores in there....or some nice imagery.....or even an Aha moment at the end.....but I see none of that this week ~
So....let's just get right to the scoreboard and go from there......don't be shocked if this is the worst score you have ever received from me...ok?
....and once again, I have seen how many people you have helped with the Rules.....thank you for that....you're a great friend for doing what you do.....and you're a fabulous writer....but this week, a little on the ordinary side for me ~
God bless,
Bear ~
Title 8.9....very cliche'.....for me ~
Flow 9.9
Depth 8.4
Theme 7.95
Feelings 8.85
Grammar 8.6...too elementary ~
Presentation 7.9...very blah couplets ~
Uncommonness 8.5
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.3
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 88.3
Ouch!
Does my score surprise you?
.....you can be honest with me Julie :)
You'll do MUCH better next week!
No editing ~
-
-
Thanks Bear! For being so kind.
I know when I write well...and when I don't. I know how much time I take ....and honestly...I deserve a lower score.
This MAY be the lowest ever...but I might have gotten an 87 somewhere in the past! Don't ever worry about hurting my feelings...I know how to take the critisism and that's why I sometimes, try to get away with stuff!
Write on!
*PEACE*
-
-
A deep look into one's self and seaching for that elusive thought of what one'slife is all about.
Bazza
-
Nice write, relatable for sure...pondering who we are and our purpose....while trying to beat the clock! Good luck to you in the contest.
(and thank YOU for pointing me in the right direction on mine!)
-
I really like the way you've set this out in couplets. Searching, searching, hunger from the heart. Great write! Good luck in the contest. Sol
-
-
Thanks so very much!
I'm never sure where I'm going...my muse starts and I try to edit! lol. As I grow older, I just have more questions.
thanks again!
*PEACE* -
-
That's probably very good! I think it's only when we realise that we don't know anything, that some wisdom can start to arrive!
PEACE to you also, Sol
-
-
-
The older we get, the more we think about just this. Is there more to life than what we are doing; am I satisfied with what goes on ? Life goes on until the end...
-
-
So true.
Here in Hawai'i we have a saying "Malama Pono".
Loosely translated to mean "go in peace" or "good luck."
To the Hawai'ians it means "be aligned" are you at every moment doing and thinking the best thoughts you can?
Interesting concept, one I TRY to live by...buy being human,
I sometimes let emotions take over.
Thanks for commenting!
Best wishes to you in the contest!
Write on.
PEACE*
-
-
Something I think we all wonder as we age. An awesome piece, great flow and rhyme to it. All the best in the contest
-
-
I've been thinking of some really weird ways to go...
was going to pen some...but it's not right just yet!
Write on! Thanks for commenting!!
*PEACE* -
-
You got me wondering now..lol.
-
-
-
Well, that states it well for most of us! I think we all wonder, many times, those same questions.
I like your lines,
'memories fading with the mist,
why is it, I exist?'
Well done, as usual!
best wishes in the contest
-
-
Thanks again, my friend, for reading and
commenting. Just spilling some thoughts....not penning much these days...have some other family stuff...(what's new huh?) anyway glad you liked it...Best wishes to you also!
Write on!
*PEACE*
-
-
Oh, don't we all have these thoughts and worries..you have penned a lovely piece, I love it all..my favorite lines are, I think, the next to last stanza..beautiful. Good luck in the contest.
-
-
Mahalo for your comments!
The older I get, the more I try and make sure all is "in order" for when I'm gone.
Write on!
*PEACE*
-
-
i like how you incorporated time
throughout this write.
a nice searching write, thanks for the read
-
-
Thanks!
As one gets older, time moves quicker....
I have been contemplating how I want to die.
Write on!
*PEACE*
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 20 of 20
