I only asked for water
I never wanted more
I didn't need a chalice
Nor kegs of wine galore
A simple drink of water
To quench a lover's thirst
But you are as the desert
And barren from the first
I only asked for bread crumbs
I didn't need a feast
I hungered for affection
And you cared in the least
A tiny little bread crumb
A morsel of desire
But you are as the desert
And burn with famine's fire
I waste away before you
A man of skin and bone
Too weak to keep on hoping
And dying all alone
In desert sun I perish
I'd live if you would try
I only ask for water
While you just suck me dry
A contest entry
- metaphors by james119.
625 points, ended May 1, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is great!
I loved this poem from the start. The rhyme and rhythm is perfect...almost. I agree with piccola. "you cared not in the least" does sound better. Otherwise I wished I had wrote it.
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I still think the line should read, "You cared not in the least." That has the meaning you want to portray whether you know it or not. If you say, "you cared in the least" it has an almost positive spin on it. She didn't care in the least. Not even that. I think it would make the flow better too; but we have a difference of opinion on that, I know.
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"And you cared in the least"
- I found no problem with it as someone pointed below.
I think you've once again done a wonderful job [enter my contest] haha
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I like the edit
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I second George. You do deserve to have just one more book published! I love your rhyming poems like this because they are awesome - makes me miss my own terribly!
Brilliant once again, what more can I add?
Never ♥
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Outstanding, Lets see if anyone can top this! Written by an amazing poet ! good luck in the contest
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Fecking christ...every time...every time you just blow me away...you write consistently about the same themes and yet so differently each time, with different levels of complexity, different metaphors, different imagery and...well it's all fantastic.
Man I think you are a genuine poet and one who should be recognised outside the world of AP.
Keep up the amazing work and good luck in the contest
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I only asked for but a crumb, and I received a mountain. I only seeked a drink and he poared forth a endless fountain. With him I am overly blessed, I who am AS the least...
thank you for the read today.
's for you today.
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I don't think the line 'and you cared in the least' is a very good one, it doesn't go with the flow and it doesn't make sense to me. Just my opinion, but I would change it, in general though, this is very good, it reads very easily and well and has a good rhthm. Just that one line. As usual, you're one of the best on the site.
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well done poet
simplicity like this is not easily achieved
nice rhyme scheme, never forced.
easy read, clear message
describes in truth how some relationships are
the first verse is my favorite, kinda says it all
(I am taking the last line in context)
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