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consumer









i opened his top dresser drawer
an arcade of pills
are lined up neatly,
colorful and ready.
i've never put coins
into a machine like this.
but why not open my mouth
pull back on that spiraling
metal choice
and let the neon balls
bounce inside this machanical
women.









Author notes

prompt:arcade

no fluff
peace to all ~flight

A contest entry

honesty

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • blackday
    April 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The beginning could have been better. I agree, but for an overall meaning, wow. That ending was so solid. It's the best ending I've read yet. It really just, yeah. It was memorable & the type of thing I appreciate. Just make sure your intro is much stronger though. The beginning & ending of a poem are where you leave the impressions, at least to me. Make sure the first thing that pops into the reader's mind doesn't fall flat.


  • Tangled Angle
    April 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the simplicity of this.
    "but why not open my mouth
    pull back on that spiraling
    metal choice
    and let the neon balls
    bounce inside this machanical
    women."
    Wow.
    About this having no fluff: true that!

    i honestly did not like the beginning though.
    I think that is where you had the "plain english" as Wayne said, and I do agree with him on that when it comes to the first two sentences. I do think the last sentence that I pointed out was brilliantly written, and might just save you from getting my vote for being eliminated this round...I still have to read two others.

    If there is a next time, do better. Good luck.

  • in-the-twilight
    April 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    oh i like the way you got this out of the prompt.... def one of the most original! loved it! Meg <3


  • wbiro gold member
    April 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I really like your thinking- your images and your thought flow; but in this competition using plain English is taboo! You don't stand a chance! If you make it past this round, some advice- be more obscure and more pouting, and NO complete sentences...!


    • flight
      April 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      What do you mean by "plain English"?
      Thanks for your advice
      peace to all ~flight

1 - 5 of 5