You are a hospital gown
I am a chair
there are no flowers in the vase
but we hold hands
checking each others pulse
They blasted your insides
but they couldn't remove our love
as they take your blood pressure
and your high temperature
as we hold hands
You are a kidney stone
I am your x-ray
we are beating hearts
as we hold hands
holding onto what we have
A contest entry
- bed of roses by And Hyetal.
550 points, ended May 14, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
do these images evoke?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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haha.. how romantic lolz
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I thought this was super with some unique metaphors. The last two lines seemed the weakest to me and a lost opportunity to end with a bang and another evocative medical metaphor.
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I'm not sure I'm getting this. Is this any actual form of poetry. Is this made to keep people guessing. I'm assuming it's metaphorical right? well, It was interesting. Thanks for sharing. UNT
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Unique....
in theme
in treatment
in vocabulary
and in imagery...
I liked it, honey!
Galaxy2
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Do these images evoke? Hell yeah. This is some of the tightest work I have read in awhile. Now I noticed that you post very little that is not in a haiku format and that is not bad. But it is very nice to see that you are also good at lengthening it a bit and making the images unique and without bounds.
Nit-pick:
"as we hold hands
holding onto what we have"
- Consider scratching one of those hold repetitions.
I know it is hold and holding but I don't think the same word spelled differently is necessary.
Other than that, you have made quite a piece.
;
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The theme of this was beautiful. I loved the imagery. This poem was very inspiring.
Thank you for entering.
~Cassie
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"there are no flowers in the vase
but we hold hands
checking each others pulse"
I think that was probably my favorite three lines of the poem, but you might try to clarify a little more. The metaphors here are a little confusing.
Still, this is one of the best written hospital-themed poems I've seen to date, except for Temporal... crap, can't remember what it was called. Never mind, then. -
LOVE
this I undoubtedly agood poem on love .keep writing. -
It's pretty, you're very talented.
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I really love the images you uses... The different things you say these lovers are. And you do it in such a way... You can't but help... imagining these things... The flow you have in this poem... Is so different... and so unique..
wonderfully done.........
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Yes, these images do evoke, Myron. Firstly, the impersonal world of hospitals, where you are either a gown (patient) or visitor (chair) and a patient becomes less than a person, defined by notes taken of readings, of importance only because of whatever bodily failing brought them there. Secondly, because of the intensely human emotion, of care, of communication, holding hands for contact and aid - such a small thing, yet it gives, and receives, such strength. Very intimate and warm.
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