I’m a tiny mouse who lives in your house
But please don’t resent that I pay you no rent
My needs are so small just a hole in your wall
Just a few scraps of food to feed my brood
With that we are quite content
We don’t like your pussy she’s a bit of a hussy
Who hounds us from pillar to post
We’d like you to know
That we think she should go
To that we could all drink a toast
We could make amends
By inviting our friends
To a nosh up we all could take part
We could tell you the night
And send an invite
Just prop open your fridge for a start
Me and my brood have no wish to intrude
We like to fit in and comply
I’d just like to mention
We have no intention
Of deserting your home bye and bye
A contest entry
- What is Unwritten? by Sprite.
1000 points, ended May 4, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nobody Perfect by Tara1396.
305 points, ended May 12, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Titles For You!!!!!! by Peachy.
900 points, ended September 1, 2008, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best laid Plans by majorpaul.
575 points, ends December 5, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Really cute!
I like this. It shows the wee beesties point of view very well.
I love the idea for a party, but maybe make it a cupboard since mice dont much go for fridge food. The rousing finish made me laugh, but when I read it to my cat, he DID NOT approve. He will have something to say about them staying!
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majorpaul
Many Thanks for your kind comments on "The Visitors" so glad you liked it
"Puppy Dog Tales" is similar from the pup's point of view..... Peace and....
......Brotherhood......George.......
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I do think this is a delightful poem to read. Thanks again for entering. ~ Joyce
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daviscth
Many Thanks for your kind comments on "Anna's Birthday"
(Glad you liked the "Baby" poems by the way) .Best Wishes and Kind Regards George ++++ -
Sprice
Many Thanks for your comments on "The Visitors"
Very Much Appreciated. The mice send their kindest regards
to your inanimate Pets.George ++++
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This is a cute poem about one of my favorite things: mice...the stuffed ones though. Your rhyming is a little uneven, pops up here and there. not my first choice of ways to do things, but ok. What is missing is a solid opinion or message. As a poet, I would like to see that in this very cute poem.
Thanks for entering. ~Joyce
P.S. I reread all poems after closing. -
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I did see the internal rhyme scheme, but thought that you were also trying to rhyme the ends too since it appeared that some were rhymed. Sorry that I didn't exactly read that correctly. I am not familiar with the scheme obviously and will have to be more careful in the future when I comment on that. No, I don't like rhyming because it always end up being a little strained when I do it. I am also more of a flow with the flow kind of gal.
I still would love to see if you could enter another mouse poem that says something about society or emotions etc. that relates to our lives.
Thanks for the conversation.
Joyce
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Sprite
"The Visitors" I apologise for having got your instructions wrong but after reading some of your well written poems,I realized
that you dont write rhyming poetry which accounts for the fact that you completly
missread the rhyming sequence of my poem.
No I am not afraid of valid criticism,
I made 5 alterations to my "The Waife" poem to comply with valid criticisms
Best Wishes George -
Sprite
After reading your comments on "The Visitors" I can only conclude that you have been reading the wrong poem as your remarks are completly at variance with reality.What solid
opinion or message were you expecting from a poem
illustrating how mice live from their point of view.
As for the irregularities in the poem they just dont exist.
your comments were completly unhelpfull.I can accept genuinely helpful criticism not baseless comments of this nature.JUDMC
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Wow, what a response. If you had not wanted a real comment on the content, you should have said so upfront, and I wouldn't have given my opinion.
As to an opinion: I was referring to what I had asked for in the poem. I wasn't expecting a mouse to have a point of view, but I was expecting you to have one. I told you that I wanted the poetry to mean something, in other words I did not want fluff, which this tends to be, cute as it is.
I am so sorry that you felt me harsh, but I am sticking to my guns. Maybe you were reading someone else's contest rules and guidelines and that is why you are miffed...
~ Joyce -
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Sprite
Many thanks for your very considerate and kind reply to my
complaint.I do have a prewrite called Animal Rights it fits the bill but unfortunatly too late.It was entered on
"Change the world etc etc it didn't win, my other entry
"Peter's Girl" Won the gold. Best Wishes and Kind Regards
George
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Simple, catchy, I loved it. Clever use of rhyme.
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