How do I begin this? I'm bad with words, I cannot express myself the way I want to through words. I want to express myself, but there's always something stopping me.. I struggle enough as it is trying to put my feelings into poetic form, so I thought I'd try something different.. Enjoy..
Self mutilation is my drug... No matter how pathetic this may sound, it is the truth. I am litterally addicted to cutting myself. I haven't touched a razor blade for 3 years, but the desire to do so is always fresh in my mind. I feel like a rehab patient, recovering from some addictive chemical, but this is all me. I never targeted my reason for starting, nor my reason for quitting. Everyday is a surprise, every day brings minor anxiety attacks, the fear, yet curiosity.. Will today be good or bad? Most days I'm optimistic, if for a few hours at least. But as the day winds down, so does my mood. It's like my body refuses to feel anything but the two most complicated yet simplest emotions. Happiness and Sadness. Happiness is glass.. Shattered so easily. Sadness is rock solid, always remaining. It's always lingering in the back of my head, no matter what. I haven't felt complete contentment in I don't know how long. There's always this barrier in my way. I'm emotionally SCREWED. All the harm I've brought upon myself.. Cutting, popping pills, drinking myself into a vodka induced coma, has permanently ruined my emotions I'm afraid. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's for real, but I feel like I'm lost. Always lost, always looking for something that doesn't exist. It's nothing in particular that's causing this, yet it's every little thing surrounding me. I am CONFUSED and scared more than anything else. I don't understand what is going on with me. Every night I lay down to sleep. Nothing is going on in my thoughts, my mind feels empty, but there's something there hiding itself, days usually end in some sort of hidden, inner break down for me. Lately though, sleep will not come to me at all. I sit up all night, try to sleep, try to relax. Instead I lay in bed for hours at a time, while depression takes over my thoughts and it gets so bad that these endless thoughts of self mutilation that always linger in my head grow stronger and stronger, until it feels almost impossible to resist the urge. I sometimes feel as though I'm going crazy, like there's no sanity or rationality about the way I think, about my outlook on life. I have no options it seems. I've tried everything I can to make things better, nothing has worked thus far, including prescribed anti depressants. Thank you for reading this, don't be alarmed by what you have seen, I am NOT planning on commiting suicide.
Adding your comment: