I. Then
The living room was trashed
in garbage and leftover meat;
flies infested in the den
of death - for my mother
whose ignorance bled
from her bruises.
Scared of loneliness, she stayed
like the stench of mold
creeping around corners
of baseboards.
My father’s pointed finger
prodded insults; the only vocabulary
this house ever knew-
so the realization of why
my mother never left him
came in every blow to my back,
scarred with evidence
of his art;
an abstraction of red and violet
jeweled by his studded belt.
II. Now
I am but an open-handed map
scribbled by its owners,
without a cover page;
its binding, saturated by rainfall,
rips like a scar; a fault-line
separating earth and blame
bowing down to self-doubt
like shockwaves severing beams
from a heart stronger than steel,
but not as confident as a skyscraper.
With destined demoralization,
twisted metal freefalls
onto a highway.
The debris are misleading signs
meant to distract the innocent;
with widened eyes, I detour,
speeding towards self-discovery
on the back-roads.
III. Future
The monotony of safety
bores me with every bump
in dirt roads; nudging hints
that risks are worth rising to,
even if it exceeds
black numbered standards
on white signs.
Bulldozers push my past
off the interstate,
so I will find enlightenment
in textbooks and worksheets-
inspiring me to reconstruct
destroyed towers and broken homes;
using creativity to heal,
not to hurt.
With calloused hands,
I will make my own art-
by referring to the veins
on published skin
that remind me…
what I sought to discover
was already obtained;
the guide...
not to self-identity,
but destiny.
I am Atlas.
Author notes
Constructive criticism is needed.
Aruna has been busy, so most of this was done by me [Tangled Angle] for the sake of meeting the deadline. However, Aruna did contribute some excellent ideas.
---
Aruna contributed:
"My father’s pointed finger
prodded insults; the only vocabulary
this house ever knew-"
"scarred with evidence
of his art;
an abstraction of red and violet
jeweled by his studded belt."
"I am but an open-handed map
scribbled by its owners,
without even a cover page;"
Everything else was done by me.
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Our prompt: Do not drive car or operate machinery
:]
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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wow.. your words grabbed me..
and heck!! dude!! you're too nice to me!!
you shoulda booted me out headlong..
*sigh*
i'm sorry i've been away.. it's been almost a month now.. jeez..
i did suspect that i might disappear but i had no idea that the reason would be that upon my father's orders a bunch of hardware dudes would stealthily sneak the CPU away for repairs.. jeez.. and then the guy stolls off to another city till my dad threatens him with a police complaint..
imagine.. lol..
i've been deprived of net all this while and i can't believe it but i've lost interest in writing poetry.. i've tried twice, but it's always been incomplete. jeez. muse disaster. plus lack of a social life.
anyway.. i'm really proud of what you've conjured up here. the images grabbed me, although i admit it was a slow read. i love the 3rd part... breaking this into 3 parts, although might be an over-used idea, really worked for this one.
i can only appreciate this.
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Let me first say, I enjoyed this. Now I can be mean.
I’m not sure I liked your i, ii, iii format. The past, present, future thing. Gah. It has been done so many times. Seriously. I did like your progression of the idea, but the middle, the “present.” I’m going to be honest with you, after reading the ending, the middle wasn’t up to par. It was a disappointment in retrospect. The only thing that I can really give kudos on about it was that you set up the map metaphor in the finale.
I will agree with Pu in that I think the first section made the most sense. I like the last stanza or two the best, but as a collective idea, the first stanza was spot on.
I also have to say that I thought this poem was going to bore me to death because I have a short attention span for poetry. Poetry has to really keep me, really have to be engaging & have something to say. I was eager to read the end. Not because I was bored, but because I was interested. Thank you. :]
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Yeah, that is true - about the past, present, future.
Thank you.
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powerful piece, great metaphor, the then and now were awesome, then when the 'future' emerged that put the piece over the top; stylistically this piece is not tops, but it holds it's own by being consistent in it's own style, creating it's own world... you've worked hard to show and not tell, and you shall reap the rewards...! I wasn't able to formulate every image line by line, and for those undeciplerable lines I left it to the consistent voice and mood to gradually contribute to the overall picture... the 'Atlas' image at the end added another dimension to the piece- a poet taking the world (the world's problems) on his/her shoulders...
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Thanks Wayne
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I'm not good at giving constructive critism, but I do know that I love this. Very well done. Better than mine and Marty's for sure.
~Cassie
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Thanks
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"its binding, saturated by rainfall,
rips like a scar; a fault-line
separating earth and blame
bowing down to self-doubt"
my favorite lines, they had alot of depth. I read them over and over again, just amazing =]
job well done to both of you
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Thanks
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"The living room was trashed
in garbage and leftover meat;
flies infested in the den
of death - like my mother
whose ignorance bled
from her bruises.
Scared of loneliness, she stayed
like the stench of mold
creeping around corners
of baseboards."
both similes are spectacular, but having them come so close together was a bit awkward for me. I can't think of any great solutions: maybe take out the "like" in the second stanza to help the flow?
other than that,
WOW. especially the ending.
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Thanks
In the first stanza I took out "like" and put in "for" - it gives it a slight different spin on it, but it has the same idea basically.
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first part was best, in my opinion.
well done, fellow rivals.
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Thank you
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- trashed should be thrashed
- remove "even" from umm .. line 23
- the last paragraph before the last line seemed shaky.
That's all there is for criticism! God, you're going to beat some asses this round. lol, had I not been desperate to leave, I'd have found you and murdered you. Dead people don't go on to the next round O.o
Well done
Never ♥
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what I sought to discover
was already obtained;
the guide...not to self-identity,
but to destiny.
I am Atlas.
better?
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ooo, much.. how about you put a line break after guide and remove the "to" before destiny... like:
the guide...
not to self-identity,
but destiny.
Or the "to" works anyway now that I look at it. -
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That's a good idea - it's more concise, and not only that, the thought is developed better. Great. Thank you
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I'm surprised you agree
I'm off to bed - Chase gave me a heart attack when he said everything was due today. And I told myself I would go to sleep before 4 am. *sigh*
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"Trashed" was intentional.
"even" will be removed.
I will work on that stanza you pointed out. Like, the message I want to get across is said fine, but the flow of it is indeed shaky.
Thanks for the criticism.
I hope we beat some asses this round. Hopefully this isn't like a salad and was more like a life-story kind of thing. The transitioning was okay, right?
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Between the three parts? There's not much transitioning needed when you put parts as it allows a different approach to each section. As long as it relates, it's cool. But if you're really worried - I didn't find any problems with that.
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Thanks.
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