Outside, with my mother
I play in the sand, letting my mind be smothered
By thoughts of what I can build, in this big toybox
A castle? A moat? A ranch? A city?
So many possibilites, and my mother just stands there
Looking at the expanse of sea, umbrella in her hand
I begin to play, building a statue
Made of sand, very tall
So tall, I go get a ladder
I come back, and finish creating
My mother, so solemn, just stands there
Then again, she IS made of sand
A contest entry
- In Need Of A Damn Good Read by Errant Panther.
525 points, ended April 19, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hmmmmmm...this was very thought provoking. Vivid imagery, I wonder what the thought was behind this. The ending caught me of guard, and is my favorite part. This was really good!!!! Beautifully written, very different and unexpected.
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this was a beautifuly writeen poem
with the twist at the end made it quite differnt
very well done
thankyou for shareing -
I really enjoyed this. I actually ended up reading it quite a few times, mainly because I got a lot of pleasure out of the imagery, but also because it's rather surreal and it seems that every time I read it, I found different possibly meanings for it. Quite an ambiguity! But that's great in a piece. It keeps us on our toes.
I love the contrasts of the lovely serene beach imagery, calm and graceful sea, possibly quite a bland sky (that's what I got anyway) because the way you've worded the poem is quite vague somehow, a bit bleak, which is excellent in setting the atmosphere, in comparison to the haunting image of your mother stood alone looking out to sea with an umbrella, not saying a word. It gave me a bit of a shiver down my spine, actually.
And then at the end there's a bit of a twist, the whole complex of your mother being made of sand, which is enigmatic and holds great imagery, as well as possibly being a metaphor.
Overall, a beautifully worded yet somehow haunting take on something so innocent and playful. Well done, keep up the fantastic work
ELW x
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Hey
a sandcastle builder...that was my favorite play on the beach when I was young
And concerning to my own mother...I don't know...she might be more of stone than sand so I don't know what's better to have
But I liked your poem...the ending was really unexpected...
XXJeannette
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I didn't expect that ending!
Very creative, and good luck in the contest!
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I liked the twist at the ending and enjoyed your imagery. Good luck.
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Interesting approach and interpretation of the prompt image, unexpected detailing and a very surprising ending. Best wishes to you.
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