Colors collide and collect
when he squints; her skin
the sum of every beautiful part;
dreamy illusion against muslin
sheets, and fuzzy florets.
He needs to leave-
he needs to stay-
either way
it won't be right. The feminine
blush of morning; apricot
grows tearful medallions
in distant marina;
where Sarrazin joins him
in her sleep,
and sighs.
Author notes
Prompt: artwork by Klimt
A contest entry
- In the Eye of Klimt by NurseChilly.
1400 points, ended May 6, 16 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critiques not only welcomed, but encouraged.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Ohh gosh, yes, the feminine blush of morning.. how gorgeous is that huh huh huh.. damn this makes me sigh
a most beautimous piece of work.. thank you for entering and good luck too
sigh
G.x
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Excellent. Methinks the Poetess best clear a space for another shiny for the shelf! Especially liked the phraseology of " the feminine blush of morning" and the usage of apricot, though poignant the piece has a natural fruitfulness.
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oh sorry .. and much luck in the contest !
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Thanks, but when I read it your way, it doesn't have the same sound~ but that's more a personal flavor, lol. As for the word squint, it emphasizes the fuzzy feel to the morning. It's like when you narrow your eyes and look around, how differently things look; colors blend differently. But I liked your honesty, muchly!
So thank you hon! Maybe I'll have to look at this piece again down the line again.
Kathleen
What's the sorry for? lol.
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heh . sorry that i actually came to wish you luck in the contest -not go off on a tangent ... and of course the suggestions are yours to use or lose ... purely subjective impressions ...
you are most gracious in accepting my point of view ... >>> Gina
(PS .. yes ... we do look through the squint to flatten out lights and darks ...to discover what jumps out to the eye and doesnt fit ... its a wonderful way of 'seeing' ) ... -
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Personally, I love tangents. lol.
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enjoyed this very much ...
a couple of impressions/suggestions ... yours to use or lose ... (always) ...
Orchards
Colors collide and collect
when he squints; her skin
the sum of every beautiful part;
i dont think you need 'when he squints' ...
colors collide and collect
her skin the sum
of every beautiful part
(love that stanza, anyways) ...
dreamy illusion against muslin
sheets, and fuzzy florets.
He needs to leave-
he needs to stay- <<< dont need the second 'he needs' .... so we go from he needs to leave/to stay /either way
either way
it won't be right. The feminine
(again ... lovely stanza) ... love the line endings
blush of morning; apricot
grows tearful medallions
in distant marina;
where Sarrazin joins him
in her sleep,
and sighs. <<< nice nice !
lovely piece whichevertheway you go >>> Gina -
Oh so beautifully soft . . . the imagery causes me to whisper an appreciative oh yes . . .
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I like your soft ones Who am I kidding, I love all your poetry
You make me want to get out of my hump, I am seriously lacking enthusiasm these days.
"blush of morning; apricot
grows tearful medallions
in distant marina"
Ah, some lovely imagery here, soft and wistful. Brilliant use of "fuzzy" too
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lol, I think it's the first time I've used fuzzy in a poem,
I am rather soft these days.. must be spring. Except, the forecast is calling for snow again this weekend.
Anyways, thanks hon!!!
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