Why I Believed Him

Sickness
Hospitals
they smell like sickness covered in disinfectant
and expensive smiles

There's an old man sitting straight down the hall

I watch as he folds his hat
once
twice
Eyes searching the ground
the walls
the nurses and doctors as they walk by

Hope hidden within the wrinkles on his face

His glasses are thick
I could burn a small dog with them on a hot summer day
His hands are clumsy
thick and old
His eyes are afraid
rheumy and dark with fear
His breaths are deep
pierced with grief
He has liver spots around his neck
And he wears penny loafers the color of mud

I take a sip of my ice tea
and lean back

The old man rises from the hard plastic chair
folded hat in his trembling hands
Doctor nodding with that fake smile the old man can't see
What a terrible liar

A moment later
my turn
fifteen minutes after
One physical
Done

Footfalls echoing
I make my way to the elevator
Mind overcome with dinner and a movie
Perhaps some flowers
I can...

Sometimes feet stop of their own accord
Sometimes eyes look where the brain says they should not
Sometimes...

The old man knelt next to a bed
Old woman sleeping
as if dead
Praying
The old man was praying

I frowned
Wanting to move

Something was whirring beyond the steady beep
A heartbeat measured with numbers and a line
It quickened for a moment
and then died

I have never seen an old man cry
I have never heard an old man beg
I have never heard an old man scream
I have never seen an old woman die
I have never seen...what I saw

He begged for help as I stood and watched
A nurse rushing mechanically into the room
He touched the heart monitor
Trying to do something
But he was useless
Helpless
And his wife was dead

He grabbed her arm
He kissed her hand
He whispered in her ear, his tears trickling down her cheek
He said please
He asked why
He said no
and no
and no
and no

All the while I
stared

He held her close
Leaning over the bed
Running clumsy fingers through her hair
Whispering
Pleading

He said, "I love you"
and I believed him.