I went outside alone and didn't speak
I couldn't break the silence for eight weeks
We live to our advantage aimlessly
give in hopes of getting shamelessly
Boggled by my own mortality
Living on the brink of insanity
bound by carbon, air and gravity
Fucked up by my own reality
Dying so fast we never realize
we're living out lies while praising the skies
governed by nations built upon greed
never to be satisfied are our needs
Can't be truly happy while our brothers die
the only thing we figure is to close our eyes
counting down the days
while living in a haze
purpose placed upon ourselves
but what does it matter among the stars?
owning a big house and expensive cars
while all the world suffers!
Manipulating structures into our own design
mapping out our internal code
who's to say if its divine?
aiming our sites
to the brightest star
catapulting ourselves as far away from where we are
Far... so Farrr!
A contest entry
- on the dark side ... prewrites ok by b497.
300 points, ended June 25, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What does it mean to you?
Comments
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I would take eight out of the first line, ruins the flow. I liked this for the most part, I fizzled out some with stanza 3, but picked up again..but I think should read :
catapulting ourselves far from where we are
and eliminate the far far stuff.
my only other suggestion is to left align...in a piece that rolls at this pace, it makes the eye jump around too much, it slows you down, taking away from it.
I like it though.
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