Battleship, count the stars.
Only the journey matters.
Outrage and disrespect -
happiness becomes extinct.
These days, my life-line
heart divides. I dream
of frost and velvet, a
dragon-diamond background,
a state of delusion -
vanilla and war.
how can I save you when I can't
save myself? Sorry. My views,
our world.
Careful - a performance like this
makes decrepit dreams.
Hunger pains - seasons reserve.
Author notes
This piece is made strictly from titles of newest poems listed as of 8:50pm CST, April 16, 2008.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Good work Emily!
I enjoyed the work you presented in this Emily! I think I can understand the work you put into the poem. THANKS SO MUCH!!
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Titles of newest pieces and you came up with this? Good for you. I have no idea what this was about - it was pretty abstract. Could it be the demise of a relationship even though it is still maintained? That is what I read in it. Well done on this entry though. I would never have thought of this idea. I do think though that you are capable of rocking us with abstract. Your thoughts seem to flow so smoothly in other pieces and you can do that in abstract as well.
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Here's what I put in an explanation about what I found the theme to be -
I find my piece makes sense - NOW that I re-read it. Abstract is so difficult for me, but knowing that I FOUND all of these statements in a list of titles - is REALLY COOL!
I'll explain each statement as I now read it:
Battleship, count the stars.
Only the journey matters.
-- I see this as a captain, seeing his fate as his ship is taken down by a massive wave, explaining to his livelihood the necessity of seeing the journey AS the goal.--
Outrage and disrespect -
happiness becomes extinct.
These days, my life-line
heart divides.
--The captain is angry with his crew who have abandoned him and his ship. How could they? Where was their loyalty? How dare they choose to battle a storm rather than accepting fate's wish? Is there any way he can make it through this journey without his support?--
I dream
of frost and velvet, a
dragon-diamond background,
a state of delusion -
vanilla and war.
--The captain is dreaming of heaven as he would know it. He contemplates his beliefs, his religion, his dreams that did not come true. He is now hearing in his mind, the cries of war-the war that is killing him and his crew.--
how can I save you when I can't
save myself? Sorry. My views,
our world.
--His ship is falling, he is cold and angry, and in his delusion, lashes out with sarcasm and hatred of the situation.--
Careful - a performance like this
makes decrepit dreams.
--a voice in his heart is trying to console him. A voice that knows one must not leave this world angry - a voice saying 'do not go down in hatred, it is frightening and will only result in a lonely afterlife'--
Hunger pains - seasons reserve.
-- He is gone now. His hunger for resolution of his sins has passed. His suffering is over. The season of heaven is upon him. Heaven does have a place for him, and it is happy to take him. --
Reading this now, and understanding it - makes me think it is not finished. There are huge chunks of the story missing, but part of me thinks it's okay - that this is all happening in a matter of seconds - these thoughts are in the captain's head and heart as he is sinking to his death with only his ship as company.
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I think it's a cool idea, and you did quite well with it, despite the relative nonsense.
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You're trying to interject abstractions into a pretty unoriginal train of thought. It's only emulating having an original train of thought. You know you are capable of doing it. I know you are even though I know approximately dick about you. I can see though you've done it before and are trying to do it here, but the magic just simply isn't available. Wait for it. Jot it down when it comes to you.
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Not bad. I agree with Bear that it appears to be a bit rushed. You did however throw it together enough to loose the Bear
which is always successful in my eyes 
It is important to remember that as broken and confusing as abstract poetry is to be, we must remember that we can become to broken with our thoughts. then it can seem to be too jumbled. I think you have done an incredible job here. I am glad that you made it. However I will deduct 8 points for a late entry 
92.
thanks and good lcuk!
Mel
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deduction understood, thank you for letting me still enter.
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deep and thought provoking!
i havn't a clue what this one is about...
much like everyone else entered here!
good luck in the challenge...
we're all writing out of the box here
mike, aka jonathan wikkins -
Hi there :)
Not sure what this is about, and there was really nothing to go on based on each line being so different than the next ~
I am not sure as to whether or not you put as much effort into this write as you could have, and I do believe the *rush* to get your work in caused this to be just a tad on the....*thrown together* side of your work.....however, I am anxiously awaiting to hear what this piece is all about, because frankly, I have no clue ~
The only thing I could possible think it may be, and only because of the Title....is confusion and stark diarray in your mind and the world you live in ~
Please do not reveal answer until after judging......good luck to you and your entry,
Bear ~
Your score is based on complexity for me and over-all structure of thought..>>>> 94.7
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Very interesting idea, to use the compact and pregnant titles of whole poems, to make a new one.
I think this is rich, just as one would expect, but from here would then want to let go of the constriction of 'strict' and see the results of allowing yourself license, to let it fall now more into its own. Something I am sure you could easily do. Sol
. Rewarded 6
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Wow, love the lines! and the words were beautiful =]
I'm still thinking on what this is about but I guess your creativity here is hard to unlock
good luck in the contest! -
Hmm...not a bad poem considering it is a jigsaw of nonsense titles. You were spot on about this poem's abstract quality. But this actually attempts to be cohesive and understood. Good Job
. Rewarded 4
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Hehe I love the way you put this together, very creative. Not a clue what it means, but then I am hopeless with abstract. I do like this tho' and they way you wrote it. Superbly done, good luck
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