Like a broken mirror
Eyes laying on the floor
Can't hardly see
Myself in it anymore
Like a gunshot
Heart splattered on the wall
It still pumps blood
But it's not a part of me
Like a car crash
Limbs lying on the road
I'm dismemebered
But alive to tell the tale
I've been smashed to pieces
I'm barely myself
I try to sew myself together
With no help from you
The only help you ever gave
Was to tear me apart
Rip me to shreds
And leave me lying on the floor
Now I'm saying I'm done with you
Done picking up the pieces
I don't want to see your face
Or hear you call my name
Stop bringing me down
Making me feel bad
Telling me things
That smash my world to pieces
A contest entry
- SMASHED - Read all rules by ellipsist.
360 points, ended May 6, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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the utilization of so much end line rhyme in the first stanza, particularly when it is not utilized elsewhere within the piece, throws me off a bit... it definitely seems that it could be pared down in places and there is a bit of monotony to the tone due to the repetition... the point certainly comes across loud and clear, however, different words or imagery might have been used to break it up a bit - it's like the same thing is stated and re-stated again in only a slightly different way...
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amazing poem wow i really like this
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Wow
As usual you blew me away (like a gale force wind my friend) I could feel the bitterness and anger through out this work. Kudos kudos kudos. -
Very bitter and resentful tone.
I like the references to car crash, gunshots, and broken mirrors - all images that crossed my mind as I read the prompt for this contest. I thought of using one of those images and elaborating on it as my entry, but I still haven't come up with anything solid.
It's fascinating that you were able to incorporate all three into one coherent piece.
This is a great poem, but I'd be careful of being too repetetive (as with "pieces" and "smash(ed)"). I might suggest using a thesaurus to find alternatives.
Great job and good luck!
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wow..
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