Even bleach can't erase
the lipstick stains on your heart now.
Demolition Dancer.
Baby, don't you know?
Everything you touch dies.
The piano plays a somber melody
So that's your cue,
Darling,
it's time to dance that last dance.
Drugs may fill the void,
but the alcohol will cover it up;
just as effective as any makeup you've ever used.
Stare in the mirror for as long as you like,
but baby, you can't change fate.
Cyanide kisses,
or Asphyxiation,
Either way, you're going to die.
Tie the bow tighter
and pull the corset closer,
allow it to hold you together even in your defeat.
Get ready for the fall,
you, sexy vixen, you;
because even your sinful lips can't save you now.
Your in control now.
You can die alone,
or with friends-
looking like a million bucks,
or just like any other prostitute
either way,
It's up to you.
Author notes
---
A contest entry
- 50.000 points for drinking and writing [multiround prelims] by divebar.
610 points, ended May 19, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be harsh, be specific.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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wow this is a very nicely written piece. I love how you wrote it. Keep up your amazing work. This shoulda won the gold trophy. I like it. Keep up your great work.
TwiztidMaggot -
your- you're toward the end somewhere.
you tried to go a little darker, and i dont have a problem with that, and i can appreciate that you tried to make it more engaging by speaking directly to the reader. But this piece falls way short in some places. it feels very worn out. ive seen these things before. death and prostitution and cyanide kisses. it tries a little too hard to shock with less than shocking language. i like that its engaging and sets a scene. i just feel like that scene may have been acted out by a few too many poets around here.
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this piece is very dark. its enjoyable even though the flow could use a little bit of work. but overall i enjoyed it
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Sweetly written as it rolls off the mental tounge
I love the crass of this piece. I read this thinking of that elton john line, "never knowing who to cling to when the rain came in." I think we've all felt down. the girl taking drugs is a beautiful character in a respect. she can't realize her beauty because there's no one there to help her. leaving the drugs and the makeup behind and writing like us and like the good people of allpoetry.com would make her naturally beautiful and not artifically beautiful.
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LOL - yeah it does that to me too sometimes!
Wow. You had a lot to say here, and you said it... so forcefully.
First of all, I have to say this reminds me of things I wrote a teenager... but let me add that I never wrote them as expertly or effectively. You are advanced way beyond your years... both poetically and personality-wise.
I love the quickened pace of the rhythm in this piece. It feels like a hammer driving a nail in... you know the ending is somehow inevitable, but that doesn't make each strike hurt any less. Does that make sense?
Great write!!!
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awesome write
You did a very good job with this. It's an awesome write keep up the good work. -
Dark and gritty in an urban cat fight sort of way. You really capture a mood here, there is a whole world just waiting beyond your words. This is like looking through a straw into that world, like seeing just bits and pieces of it.
This is really quite good. You do need to work on form a little. You may need to rewrite and rewrite and rewrite until you distill it down to its essence.
But your imagery is dead on. Your tone and emotional content are just about right.
You have quite a talent. I hope this isn't the last from you for a while -- give us some more!
CaliOkie
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Thankfully it wasn't. I thought it would be, I'd gotten into a fit where I wouldn't write. I snapped out of it yesterday, while I was watching out my window.
As for the form.. I know, this was the second piece I'd written in that 'style' though, so it's still kind of new to me. I'm playing with '2nd' person writing.
Thanks so much for all the kind words.
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Yeah!
This is good.
this rocks!
all the way, every line.
It feels like a song lyric....so strong so vivid. So visual.
So why is it good? The bizarre image, impossible image in the first line. Lipstick stains on the heart with attempts to remove them with chlorine bleach.....all physically impossible and yet it feels like I have been there trying to do this and failing....and all that in the first two lines.
and then "Demolition Dancer" ...just so good in itself
I love the rhythm of this....I was recently (I think correctly criticised for too many unconnected metaphors....but Wow! ....yours work ...I like the "Hitting Out" feeling of this
all the way through to the choices at the end...and that feeling that maybe being alone in crisis is better than spilling all over friends....or maybe it isn't.
There are different things this could be about and I believe that even if your intentions were very specific and about one thing or one person, yet the whole mess of life and loads of other situations leach in and out of this.
Can you tell I enjoyed this?
I have come to terms withe "Fascism " of alignment on Allpoetry and just focus on the words....but if you can be bothered filling bits up with spacing when you edit can create the effects you want.
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Wow, I must say, I'm glad you liked this piece. =)
As for the "Fascism" I finally figured it out actually, they did it to help authors who were putting an extra space between words. So 1=1 and 2=1 spacing in the poetry.
My intentions were very broad, and I love making someone imagine the impossible, making them try, whether they fail or succeed. That's whats writing is about to me, the impossible.
As for the other poem you spoke on earlier, I was experimenting for a class, and the prompt was actually 'Tis the witching hour' So it was necessary to use it. I go through phases with my writing, so I'm glad to know that I'm getting better.
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I love this poem
Its amazing
one of the best I've seen, good job
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