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when comes the loom

flood knee deep
sliding down earth craters
      sand and sewage, my feet

blind, though patch of blue
hovered

when comes the  loom?

sharp opaques  smear
upturned smile in weeds
        suffer not long its lure

crack the cloud escape
covered
       
sword and breastplate
ripped from seams
      tears candlewax burn

liquid flame below
smothered

sink or wake up soul
it smells devour

when comes the loom?

Author notes

Option 2:
"I'm suffocating the clock to keep you
I think like a saint: I had it written above; wasn't as obvious I guess.
-Mirrors, Envy on the Coast

Always have my shoe wax, I might be polishing before the end of the contest

A contest entry

Option 2-I'm suffocating the clock to keep you

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • notorious gold member
    April 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You say you used option 2...but for option 2, you had to clearly SPECIFY which song lyrics inspired the write. Please PM/reply to this comment once you've edited this.

    My favorite lines:
    "when comes the loon?"
    The repetition in this line is nice--both vulnerability and impatience are present in this line. When will life improve? When will life change? That was my interpretation of that line...

    The rest of the poem is abstract goodness with rich imagery and vague yet eloquent description.

    Thanks for the entry, and good luck...to remind you again, let me know WHICH ONE OF THE SONG LYRICS inspired this write!


  • CaliOkie silver member
    April 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    With the crack of doom. (In answer to the rhetorical question.) You never cease of leave me in awe of your talent. The imagery here is so vivid, the verbiage so concise, the rhythm and flow lure the reader in and the resolution is perfect.

    Thanks for another great one.

    CaliOkie


  • Sprite silver member
    April 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This feels like a warning. So often we are "knee deep" in "sewage." I like the line "tears candle wax burn" and "sink or wake up soul." That seems to be the crux of the poem. Find God or parish spiritually.

    As always, I love the way you think and how you express those thoughts.

    ~ Joyce


  • Perception
    April 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant imagery... I loved every line... You really kept me involved... You really kept me reading.

    Brilliant write, and thank you for sharing


  • lil lette
    April 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    nice job! i think that you did wonderful on this poem.i like the part that says "sword and breastplate
    ripped from seams
    tears candlewax burn"
    nice job and keep writing

1 - 5 of 5