Orange sentinels
Tall sandstone pinnacles
Barring my way.
I am not deterred.
I climb the rocks.
The top of the rocks
Yields a grassy paradise.
I flop down to rest
Then jump back up.
A cactus pricked my right arm.
Even ‘paradise’ has dangers
Up here, on the orange peaks.
I wander more
Amongst the sandstone sculptures
Carved out by the careful finger
Of mother nature’s hand.
It starts to snow
As I come down.
I slip through dark tunnels.
Some barely large enough for me.
A tight fit, but I must come down.
Back to civilization,
A little dirty and disheveled
But in my heart I still long
To roam in the orange,
The warm sandstone.
Author notes
Yeah, I climbed up in the sandstone yesterday. It snowed a whole ton as I was driving home. Wheee.
The ending isn't really... right. Or something. It needs some working on.
Credits to Frodofan for creating the picture.
A contest entry
- Changing Seasons, Nature Calls! by iamlost.
600 points, ended April 24, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Allpoetry Survivor! by broken-colours.
600 points, ended May 2, 2008, 49 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round contest #3 (anything) by serenity silvermoon.
600 points, ended May 7, 2008, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you REALLY think or face certain doom!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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It was good
Your poem was good but there were a few little words, and errors that took away from the flow of the poem. For example the first two lines of the first stanza doesn't sound natural when reading it. Maybe if you said "Yield" instead of "Yields". Also in the second stanza 5th line saying the cactus pricked your right arm doesn't sound right. I think it would sound better if you were more general about things don't go into specifics when saying your arm was pricked just say that. And in the fourth stanza "I must come down" sounds off I think it would make more sense if you said "I must go down" or "I need to get down" I hope that helps make your poem flow more. Good job, keep writing. -
hmmm....I liked the description, and I liked the repetition, but it needs more flow...needs to be more of a poem...
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ok
I agree needs some tweaking!
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lets see....
this was fairly interesting... it was a good write... but i am not sure how i feel at the moment... keep writing though! -
Off beat but good
I want to start off with saying I love what you expressed in it the rythem was just off in some way but I in no way want to offend you please don't take it as bashing or anything I think your writing is beautiful.
This particular piece reminds me more of a story or maybe lyric than a poem tho I know all poetry doesn't have to have stance and rhyme all the way through it. I would love if you sat down and maybe put more into it smoothed out some of the edges I think it has potential to be even better than what it already is.
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This feels more like a short story than poetry. There's not any poetic techniques used and there's no fluidity in the piece.
Sorry to be so blunt, but there's nothing I can really say about this piece. -
you can't handle the truth! just kiding i really like it, I wanted to know what was going to happen next so if anything it a bit short.
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I thought that this one was kind of cute. I am sure that there are some people on this website that may not necessarilly understand the concept of snow, but it can be crazy!
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This was a very well written piece , but somehow not the exact piece I am looking for for my current contest.. but i wish you well in the other contersts you have entered.
Scarlet
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"I wander more
Amongst the sandstone sculptures
Carved out by the careful finger
Of mother nature’s hand."
This is a beautifully penned poem about a day out hiking in nature. What sights you've seen! The imagery you've used is lovely, and I'm impresed at your ability to entice the reader with your vivid yet soothing word choice. Thanks for entering and good luck to you! -
Wow, this is really really really good! Oooh, I love it a lot! I love the lines "Even ‘paradise’ has dangers/
Up here, on the orange peaks." and I also love "Carved out by the careful finger/
Of mother nature’s hand." as well as the entire sequence where you are coming down. Actually, I love the whole poem. Wow, little squirrel, your talent amazes me!
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