And there we were waiting
the children's breaths were bating
they stumbled when they spoke.
My eyes were washed with loathing
our country was betrothing
its men and women folk.
When he told me goodbye
then he wiped my tears dry
and told me it would not be long.
Whenever I walk past her
the fight seems to flow faster
she sings a hopeful song.
For months my heart was frozen
we believed that he was chosen
my own turmoil and doom.
Our hope was thrown off miles
yet down on us she smiles -
as he walks into the room.
A contest entry
- Look at the picture and write me a poem ... by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended April 28, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Whoa!
This took my by total surprise. Amazing rhyme! I love the gentle rhythm, I love the content, I love everything about it.
You are definitely being added to my favorites pronto!
One gripe:
"we believe that he was chosen
my own turmoil and doom"
I love both of those lines, but they don't mesh together very well. I'm thinking it may sound better (but may not carry the connotations you meant it to) if you said "we believe that he has chosen/ my own turmoil and doom".Or perhaps you could say "we believe that he was chosen/for my own turmoil and doom".
Just my two cents's worth!
Thank you for sharing this AWESOME poem and good luck in the contest!
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The picture is amazing and so is your poem! The emotion the statue of liberty can create and the trauma and emotion of war in your poem. Wonderfully written!
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Thankyou, so much
I really don't think it'll get anywhere, if I'm honest. Not in this contest, at least. Especially as I just had a look through all the other crowds of talent I'm up against :s lol but then I guess if I don't try these things then my name won't get around.
Thanks again! -
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Never worry! Its not about winning, its about being in the game and enjoying what your doing. You can't please everyone so don't try. Just have fun! I have entered poems that I thought would never win and won gold. Others that I thought were amazing poems got clobbered! It all comes down to personal taste. As long as you like it thats what counts!
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Not bad ...
but in line two, it should be "bating", not "baiting". The phrase "bated breath" really means holding their breath.
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Ah, thanks
yeah, I understood that, I was just unsure of the spelling and wondered if it was a homonym.
Okay I'll go and fix that typo, thankyou for reading!
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