She is a mother, a sister, a wife;
She is the queen, America's Lady.
For her; each soldier risks his own life.
He defends her from all causes of strife
Against all who threaten; from Stalin to Charlie
For she is a mother, a sister, a wife.
In a dangerous world, troubles run rife,
soldiers stand up for her bravely and wisely
and thus each soldier may risk his own life.
He marches in cadence to drum and fife.
Showing off pride for being a Yankee
Protecting mother, sister, and wife.
He follows the orders of Colonel Greif
During each day, in every troop's party
As for her, each soldier risks his own life.
No matter the cause, she is safe from each knife.
No one will harm Lady Liberty.
For her, each soldier proudly risks his own life.
She is our mother, our sister, our wife.
Author notes
Yay, I wrote something in a form, and I don't think it sucks!
The moment I saw the photo, I thought of all the soliders who stand up for what that statue expresses. To me: it expresses what this country was originally formed for- freedom. Those soliders protect that freedom, and attempt to protect others from losing their own freedom.
So Jim-- how did I do?
A contest entry
- Look at the picture and write me a poem ... by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended April 28, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What can I fix? How can I fix?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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You still ...
had a misspelling, solider, in line 8.
This line is the wrong tense:'
Protecting his mother, his sister, his wife. (Protecting mother, sister and wife)
you've been saying "they", and then you switch "his". You need to stick to the same tense throughout. -
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I think I got everything. My right temporal lobe must still not be working
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You still didn't fix "solider" ...
when what you mean is "soldier". You need to get that fixed before the contest ends. -
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thanks!
I forgot. Thank you!
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This isn't a bad attempt ...
but you've misspelled "soldier" and in line 16, you mean "safe", not "save". Don't you have spellcheck?
Your weak lines are the first lines of stanzas 3, 4, and 5. You need a new line to replace line 7 and that will mean a new line for 8 as well.
Another new man, an expanding rife
Rife can't be used that way. The saying is "troubles run rife", but it's not used enough to be a cliche, so you can use it here:
In a dangerous world, troubles run rife,
soldiers stand up for her bravely and wisely
and thus each soldier may risk his own life.
&
Marching along, he plays worship with fife.
try
(They march in cadence to drum and fife)
That will fix the main problems.
All in all, not a bad job.
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You're too good to me
Hey, it was three in the morning, typos happen
Thanks for everything. You are far too good to me.
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Valliant Effort!
You have chosen a very difficult format of poetry: a villanelle, and I think you did rather well for yourself; this took a bit of doing, and the fact that you did it, speaks volumes of your serious commitment to poetry: good work according to me... DW -
wonderfull
heyyyy your poem is worth reading not once or twice but 4 5 times over and over again coz its stunnning and you're right it doesn't suck i really enjoyed reading your auother notes and refering to the contest that you entered and i say wowwwwwwwwww and goood lucks
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