I had weathered storms
of personal persecution
and sexual harassment
That drove me to the point
Of desperation and suicide
In that, my early darkest hour,
I found God.
It was then my life was changed
A connection was made.
God's love and support I felt
when I had no one else to help
And so I chose to give to God
My life at the tender age of 13.
Driven by my desire to share with others
that which God had shared with me-
love, compassion, and understanding
to those, all those in need.
I would help others to the best of my ability,
As God had helped me.
So at the tender age of 17
I entered a Carmelite convent.
I chose the life of self-sacrifice;
A life of love and prayer and selfless dedication
To serve God and His people-
This is the life I wanted to lead.
My dream, my life's purpose,
in the convent I perceived
would there be fulfilled-
To help others in their time of need,
To help others as God had helped me.
But the reality was far from the dream.
I had moved into a realm
little known by the outside world
and unexpectedly endured
the shock of transition into new culture.
Little did I know
what impact
the experience would have on me.
How I would change,
And how I would be perceived
By those around me.
I moved about my new community
with caution and reserve
And was surprised that my new family
perceived this, my cautious attitude, to be
one of elitist, intellectual snobbery.
No! This wasn't what I meant to show
Or how I wanted to be perceived!
Yet some were more perceptive than others
to my youth and insecurity.
In response to my confusion and disconcertedness,
these new sisters, now friends,
gave me support and messages
of inspiration to comfort me.
These, more mothers than sisters would to me be,-
My saving grace in my hours of need.
For I did not know the psycho-dramas
and the traumas that had and would be
played out within those walls.
I found later, my destiny,
in the middle of that mess to be.
I had never expected nor
dared to dream in my wildest dreams
the hate and divisiveness-
the factions, quarrels, and competition
to be among those who called themselves
sisters of Christ and humanity.
My empathic nature did perceive
most sensitively the attacks upon those
who had been mothers to me.
My God! They say we have no enemies
in Carmel or humanity-
But no less than demonically possessed
or self-absorbed these "nuns" must be!
To gossip and slander, and falsely, in hate, accuse;
to raid rooms for evidence to use
inaccurately against those
with true vocations to sisterhood
so to remove them for internal political powers' sake.
This I could not stand to take!
I could not stand for this!
To stand by and watch my friends, my sisters
By Revelation's decree be overpowered by Satan-
To lose the battle in which they fought
with only the Sword of Truth
and virtue the only testimony
for self-defense.
The battle was won by those false ones
who dared profane the Virgin's Order and God's name
by using the titles of Christian and nun.
The war, however, was far from won.
For I would not suffer these false Christians,
these traitors their cause to go on!
So in the middle of this mess I placed myself
gambling my vocation for Christ the Truth's sake.
I became the new target of slander, derision, and hate.
I fought back nobly, and as honesty and virtue decreed.
What hell I suffered
may well never be put into accurate words.
I sacrificed my vocation full knowing
the victory lay in those reforms
that would benefit only
those who would succeed me
to serve Christ as true sisters of humanity.
But the war was won, as God decreed:
Those who fought like enemies
were defeated by their own vices
of deceit and hate and greed.
I know little about their own past,
as of how they came this way to be,
of how the proceeding generation
had trained and treated them
But it was revealed to me
that those before had been far worse in their approach
to the fellowship of humanity in their sisters.
I won the war, but it took its toll-
for I had lost my vocation and dream
to serve, any longer, humanity.
Battle had changed my personality.
I suffered trauma from the shock
that those I sought to preserve, to save,
no longer wanted me
around, at least, to be.
I sacrificed my all to God
And shortly after I received
the order to go to Corpus Christi,
to Texas I was to proceed.
My actions and intentions in their
honest, actual form by some were recognized,
and well received.
And so to Texas I went-
an older and loving sister to accompany,
unknowingly, into retirement.
They had sent me there to salvage
my vocation, but too late!
There was nothing left to save.
And so after a short time there
I left the convent
and the title of sister behind me
As well as a part of myself-
A part that I will never reclaim.
Although I left with integrity,
my innocence was lost.
Before then, from experience,
I knew what anger was;
but until then
I had never learn to hate.
I struggled, and struggle still
with post traumatic stress disorder.
To reconcile those Christian, Catholic principles
I still hold dear-
To forgive the sinner and one's enemy
and to come to terms with what had passed-
that which should have never been.
Author notes
Jennyreb26thnc: My life, from ages 17-23.
I began this piece a while back, but couldn't finish it. I actually wrote most of it while watching Tora! Tora! Tora! in WWII class. The imagery and plotline just brought back memories...
In retrospect, what I would call the battle I fought,
the Battle of LFH Convent, 2002-03, was a strategic success in that the objectives and goals I made were acheived. But as to tactical, that's open for debate.
Part of my survival after several unsuccessful attempts made to be rid of me was, despite my naivety, I was not as stupid in politics and political manuevers as my opponents believed. Their loss as well. Many of those that had been antigonists have left since then, even though they were many years my senior and had been nuns for many years. My God-the means to an end which I never knew to be. I will never, ever be a nun again knowing this, and this the state of other convents and monastaries of my contemporaries and friends. I'd rather commit suicide. Death before dishonor.
But most of all, I'd rather that this never happen again to another vocation.
In a list
- Of Family and Myself • next in list
- Thoughts and Messages • next in list
- Convent Poems • next in list
- My Catholic Faith • next in list
- Trophy Winners • next in list
A contest entry
- Pre-writes- Please read requirements. by StormGoddess.
450 points, ended April 22, 2008, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Orphan Looking For Family by GypsyEyes.
600 points, ended April 24, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sisters! by Kappa Pyua.
600 points, ended May 19, 2008, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How do you feel when you read this?
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
-
Fascinated
Reminds me of Gibran's Spirits Rebellious
very interesting
-
Very interesting account, and so well expessed in the write
Well done
-
Normally I would not read such a long poem, for lack of patience, or such a religious poem, for lack of religion. That being said, this poem is amazing. It's saddening that something you wanted was destroyed, but that you sacrificed yourself for others who wanted the same is incredibly noble, and very inspiring. I very much enjoyed this poem, not only did it flow well, but I found the content interesitng, which for me doesn't happen often. Again, wonderful write, I am sure that life will work at well for you, you deserve it.
-
The times in our lives that we loose our innocence can be traumatic indeed, and you seem to have suffered terribly.
How powerless you must have felt at the time, although I hope now you see that what you did took amazing strength and courage. You should feel glad that you have paved the way for those to follow.
Your story is very inspiring, even to those like me, who have never really managed to get my head around the whole concept of religion and belief. I dont mean this to offend you , but quite the opposite. Your piece moved me, which is something I have very rarely felt with poetry on similar topics.
It sounds to me as though your vocation is far from lost. It lives on within you, and Im sure that you are a joy in the lives of those who know you. You may have left your title behind, but you also gained knowledge, clarity and the determination to stay true to yourself.
Inspiring read.
-
well once again. This tells the story of your life. What I wanted was a story/poem about the lives of the two people on the cross next to jesus at the time of his death. Thanks for sharing with us your poem about yourself but this just isn't what I am looking for.
-
WOW this is pretty much a life story summed up in a poem... very talented... thank you for entering this masterpiece into my contest
-
Tabby joy aced my thoughts.
-
Well ....
This is confessional poetry popular around the 1960's. The best known exponent of Confessional Poetry was Sylvia Plath. It would be good for you to read her, in part, and see how she has excellent imagistic control.
I feel I have got to know a large part of you, Jenny.
~ Ron. 
-
interresting to read on a write where you would assume so much love and peace would reside hidden from the worlds eyes, when I was small very young I wanted to be a nun, yet only to run to escape to find away from the real world, I know realize that me being a nun was not in Gods plans but being a mother to my one and only son was all in his plans. Thank you again for sharing.
-
Powerful
This is tragic and sad, but you can certainly serve God outside the boundaries of the convent. I felt like you were describing hell, at least, a personal one.
-
I can relate in many ways as some of the stuff that has happened to you has happened to me. Although I am not a close Christian I do believe in God and I also believe that everything happens for a reason, though it's not always obvious what that reason is. I am glad you have found strength from somewhere though.
-
The Seventh Day Adventist Church use to assist Nuns and Priests who left the Church because of things you have described here and much worse. I grew up reading the books written by them.... I was a catholic priest ect... I have always had a fear and aversion to the pope and the catholic church..How sad you went into this so innocent .. My heart goes out to you.
-
Wow. This is really fascinating. I plan to investigate (read more of your poems) further as I find more time. I share your faith in God, although I am not Catholic. It is a universal problem that our sin natures often get in the way of our witness... Christ, who showed honesty swathed in love toward those whom society would condemn, is to be our example. It is tragic how many people shun the Chistian faith, simply because of the way Christians act. Those who are filled with hate, condemnation, and fear are certainly not living out the commandment to become more like Christ. Thank God for His grace, which allows even the darkest, most hopeless sinner to find forgiveness at the foot of the cross.
I hope your experience only opened your eyes to our need for redemption...and didn't push you away from the Lord Himself.
Thanks for writing this deeply honest look into a world most of us will never see.
-
Our lives are unique
Be strong dear poet, our experiences, for better or worse are our own individual fingerprints. Poetry has such a good release for our thoughts and feelings. Keep on writing. Sorry I cant put your poem in the finalists because the first line isnt "I remember when". Great poem though!
-
Only1love4ever-Reply
Wow. I can't exactly describe how this makes me feel, but it leaves me feeling so hopeful. If you made it thru something like this and are still able to write and to teach people like me and so many others great things about God, then it wasn't all due for nothing. Sometimes the hardest things for us to get thru, are necessary to teach us a very needed lesson of God. I believe that all things happen for a reason, things are never done without his hand in it.
I believe he is smiling down upon you my dear and thanking you for going thru with it as you did. You never lost hope and you strived for what you thought was best.
God Bless you!
Thank you for this write.
It is most definently heartwarming and touching.
Best of luck to you dear friend.
Have a great day!!
~Only1love4ever -
Oh My Goodness, What a wonderful read, one filled with anger, questions, love, hope, dreams... oh so many things!! This is fantastic!!
Best of luck in this contest!!
I give this a 10
-
Lovely piece, and I'm glad that you found your strength through God and were able to make it through. Thank you for entering this in my contest.
-Danneh<3 -
This is a sad but true story. Some may wish for it's exsistance to not be, one can only ask the lord our god to but things to right in his time, whenever it may come, a very good piece this was the flow was amazing and the story heard for others understanding. It's sad that anyone should ever have to go through this.
-
A daunting and quiet the amazing piece here you bring to light things in your life that most people wouldn't even have the gall to bear, and I do give you kudos on that. Though this is not exactly what I had in mind and it was a bit lengthy, I was looking for more metaphor and poetic devices to drive home the point of the prompt. Thats not to say this was not an awesome write and I do greatly appreciate your entry! Thanks again and best of luck!
-
This is quite the story. But here you are, having come through the other side, still holding onto your faith and sharing your experience with others. That is a gift. Thank you for your entry.
-
My mother was born a catholic, my father a protestant. When they were married [in the mid-1930's], the Catholic church excommunicated my mother for daring to marry the one she loved. So be it. It always bothered her, and because it bothered her, it bothered me as well. Through childhood and yet today, I reject organized religion because of what happened to my mother. I have a deep belief in God, but I find my own ways to show it, and steer clear of the politics of the churches.
Enough about me. Your tale is one of survival in a hostile world that is hidden from most of us, one that is beyond the pale. Thank God you had the strength to make it through, and thank you for sharing your life with us. May the rest of your life be free from pain and suffering, you've already done enough.
How do I feel when I read your story? Disgusted [yes, I know that's a sin].
Carry on with your life,
Brazos
-
this is very beautifully written! i really enjoyed reading it! i can relate in some ways!! thank you for wanting to be apart of my family!! i might have missed it but what would you like to be in my family?
~NeeCee -
this was okay thanks for entering..kitty24
-
forgive
it read like a rate, it really flows well, but you don't say what happend.
-
This is interesting, though it doesn't really portray betrayal in a way I would have portrayed it. Other than that, this is a good write. Nice job, and good luck in my contest.
XXCrimsonRaineXX -
Wow! Your perseverance and strength through all of this amazes me! I am so sorry for your ordeal, but I also can see in your writing your growth, and that is very important for all of us to grow from our experiences, good or bad. Very insightful. Blessings, Patty
-
I loved how this poem showed your distress at the crisis before you. It was a very compelling read.
-
thank you so much for entering, this was a great piece! you did a really nice job with it! good luck in this and the rest of your contests
-
I am so sorry for you. It is said that demons are most active in the churches and that hell is paved with the skulls of bishops. Of course, why wouldn't it be because that is where the devil can have the most impact. To have such a vocation is a hard thing to do. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But maybe, that's not where your true vocation lies, but in helping others really find THEIR TRUE vocations.
-
-
It is also said
That the wainscoating in hell will be the faces of college professors. -
-
Wow. I've never heard that one, but don't doubt it for a second.
-
-
It's a saying of my dad's.
-
-
-
But I think you're right
Thank you for your comments-they really helped! Very insightful.
-
-
how very sad that your vocation was such a dreadful ordeal. My great Aunt has been in a convent order for nearly 70 years and claims to have loved every moment despite, I'm sure many hard and trying times. Perhaps you were meant for another life that you are yet to find. I hope it will be a happier one
-
great write keep up the beautiful work i wish you the best of luck in my contest.
*~*bee*~* -
To be truthful, it's still in both. I'm just still working through the pain
-
ahh, but where is your belief, in your religion, or in your God? religion will always fail you. God will not. You have been tested, and he is watching
-
Pretty
It is pretty, in a way. I liked it, You did an amazing job. =)
xXx-xXx
Adding your comment:
1 - 38 of 38
