Remembering the Legacy.

You’ve been dead a year now; and I suppose I’ve been dead just as long. I remember it like it was yesterday. Being at some boring school psychology conference, while you must have been fighting for your life… How sorry I am I wasn’t there.

I remember the first snow, the one after the conference. I should have known, shouldn’t I? You always loved snow. “It makes the world seem like heaven.” you said that when we were sitting in the park; Me all puffed up from the cold and you in nothing but a pants and a scarf.. I always envied you for you gifts and you knew that, but never made me feel that I was inferior to you.
The snow, it was you fighting.. wasn’t it? Or was it, a goodbye?

I heard you died at 2.27 AM on a Wednesday. Your brother called. I remember crying on the phone with him, I’ve never seen him cry (It was a phone call, so I guess I didn’t see him cry that night), but it was strange.. School, wasn’t liveable. My friends tried to be there for me, but they weren’t you. They couldn’t have understood what I felt I suppose, and at that moment I held that against them, but two months later someone they loved died. It was than that I learned that everyone can be a shoulder to cry on. You made me learn that; even after you passed away… typically you…

Saturday was your funeral. It was the first time I saw your brother. He and your parents looked terrible, understandable off course. The gang was there, our five-some, now a foursome. The girls never stopped crying. I guess that’s a normal thing to do at a funeral, but again I wasn’t normal. I looked at the coffin, all white with a cross on it. I could picture you lying in it. I didn’t really hear anything the preacher said, but the others told me it was beautiful. I went home after that, couldn’t think of sitting in a room with everyone talking about what a nice funeral it was and sharing memories of you. Our memories were ours, no one else’s.

I never got over it, always compared everyone to you.. I suppose it isn’t fair to others who came close to filling that empty spot you left in my heart, but why should I love someone else than you? Sometimes I wonder if you’re still alive, somehow; in your special way.. I hope; and you’re the only person I hope for. I’ve abandoned that because if you’re not here with me there’s nothing to hope for.

It’s almost time now and we’re scared. We don’t know what’s going to happen and we don’t know if we can deal with everything that’s heading our way. We’re sticking together, but without you everything might be pointless. Live seems that way now.. pointless.

We miss you, more than anyone could ever miss anyone.
I love you… more than anyone could ever love.