wispy, golden, soft-silk curls,
just begging to be touched.
and innocent eyes of blue and gray,
that understand so much.
I dream only of you,
dance only for you,
sing only to you,
breathe only for you.
the smoothness of your skin,
and the hardness of your chest.
the room began to spin,
can't remember all the rest.
I dream only of you,
dance only for you,
sing only to you,
breathe only for you.
Are you worth all this pain that I hide?
Worth all of the tears that I've cried?
you've managed to carve your name on my heart.
You're not perfect, but a work of art.
I dream only of you,
dance only for you,
sing only to you,
breathe only for you.
And i told you one night,
hoping that I was right,
and that you felt the way that I do
So I waited with dread,
I'm not looking you said,
all unknowing you broke me in two.
I dream only of you,
dance only for you,
sing only to you,
breathe only for you.
and I'll wait only for you.
Author notes
For Contest : option C
This is based on a mixture of my own past experience
and the the following quote taken from "Memoirs of a
Geisha"(book AND movie).
"In that instant, I felt the world shift.
But not my own determination. I made a
secret promise: Along with his picture, I
would lock away my heart.. and save it for him." - Memoirs of a Geisha
* Link to Book info: *
http://www.amazon.com/Memoirs-Geisha-Arthur-Golden/dp/1400096898/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/
105-6401183-6350848?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1191129409&sr=8-1
Written December 12th, 2003
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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Very nice... I know this feeling. Thank you for entering.
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Love unrequited is in some respects an idealized love because we imagine that love the way we would have it be, rather than as it would be in actuality. As such, it is the stuff of our dreams and desires and therein our deepest passions lie.
This one has a nice cadence and flow that has almost a song like quality which well captures the rhythmic quality of someone wishing out loud to themselves. Almost a mantra or chant -- as if the writer is trying to conjure the love of another through wishing alone.
Stanza 5 is my only quibble. "Are you worth all this pain?" should be more a statement, rather than a question, a declaration. "You ARE worth all this pain, etc. Just my idea, you understand.
Great writing. You have a great deal of natural talent.
CaliOkie
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ok i like this poem but its not one that i can relate too thanks any way and good luck
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A great combination I love the repetition of the lines:
I dream only of you,
dance only for you,
sing only to you,
breathe only for you
I think they tie the whole piece together, and just like in the movie you've captured it's very essence and brought it into this poem. As for your friend's experience you've captured a broken heart perfectly. -
this is more a song than a poem - i like that
one line really stood out for me: You're not perfect, but a work of art.
that is so true - its not perfection that causes us to love but the endearing imperfections we encounter on the way.
well done and good luck -
This is beautiful. I really love the line:
You're not perfect, but a work of art.
That is amazing -
1.) I freaking love Memoirs of a Geisha (tis where I got the idea for my name). 2.) the poem was amazing.
Great write and thanks for entering!
~Memoirs
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okay, first off, I haven't even read the poem yet. I can't read it, the font is too dark. Please fix it by tomorrow, or you will be DQ'd.
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fixed
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"I dream only of you,
dance only for you,
sing only to you,
breathe only for you."
&
"Are you worth all this pain that I hide?
Worth all of the tears that I've cried?"
very good lines
from a great poem
thanks for entering!!
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This reads more like a song than a poem. Your thoughts were keenly expressed with a antithesis of morbidity and sweetness; and antithesis is always nice. There are quite a few spelling mistakes, though trivial and seemingly unimportant ones. The lack of correct punctuation at the ends of some of your lines annoys me a bit, but we all make mistakes...That is, unless you did it by choice...
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awwwwwww, you poor thing. You must be such a sucker for this guy! lol, you feel a lot towards him don't ya! lol, i felt this was more songy than a poem but nonetheless, heartbreak....pondering what could have been....that happens to us unfortunate humans who experience....some of us get over it though eventually, so will you. Thanks for entering.
michael -
great poem. I really liked:
"you've managed to carve your name on my heart.
You're not perfect, but a work of art."
Good lines. Overall, I liked the tone and subject matter of the piece. I have felt this way before and I think you captured it wonderful.
*Sari* -
Buitiful write...truthful..the right one waits for ever....congrats
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*****
rainwalker, this was agreat poem. it almost seemed like a song. is it. I just loved the emotion and the imagery. this line really touched me :You're not perfect, but a work of art.
you really deserved to win. congrats -
don't say that...i'm sure you'll get him. he probably likes you too but is just to shy to say something. hey who knows. i like this poem a lot and i mean a lot. it's really really good. there's nothing i don't like about it. keep up the work. good luck in my contest and thanks for entering.
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And i told you one night,
hoping that I was right,
and that you felt the way that I do
So I waited with dread,
I'm not looking you said,
all unknowing you broke me in two.
Great work! Keep it up! -
Are you worth all this pain that I hide?
Worth all of the tears that I've cried?
you've managed to carve your name on my heart.
You're not perfect, but a work of art.
I love those lines, they're great. Good luck!
Katie -
The end. it was all about the end. generally i dont like the really really strict sort of verse chorus repition in poems, but this pulled it off pretty well. last line was delicious.
D -
This is so beautiful!... I don't think I can critique, or even analyze this piece. It's too good, too magical for words. Maybe I feel this way because I completely relate to this poem, especially the last line, which by the way, finishes this perfectly...You are a wonderful poet, keep up your good work!
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beautiful poem, very nice flow, especially here:
Are you worth all this pain that I hide?
Worth all of the tears that I've cried?
you've managed to carve your name on my heart.
You're not perfect, but a work of art.
i love those lines, this is a really great poem, the repeating is *almost* too much, but i think its ok...its a good stanza to be repeating.
i feel a lot of love and devotion in this poem...feeling i can realate to. great job!
~*~lee~*~ -
WOW. This is beautiful angst! I love the repition...You start out the beginning so strong, I could see it. And you move so well in this. I think you effectively got your point across, in such an artistic way. You have some wonderful lines in here such as:
you've managed to carve your name on my heart.
You're not perfect, but a work of art.
This really hit me! I love it! also:
all unknowing you broke me in two
Overall I LOVED this poem. VERY WELL DONE!
blueyes
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great
Ahh. This is great. I love it. The wording, rythm, flow. Completely wonderful. Was someone inparticular on your mind when writing it? It sounds personal. Anyways...
Are you worth all this pain that I hide?
Worth all of the tears that I've cried?
you've managed to carve your name on my heart.
I love these lines. All of it was wonderful. Best of luck in the contest. God bless and take care.
Laura -
This piece is lovely! Full of emotion and it's almost lyrical.
"wispy, golden, soft-silk curls,
just begging to be touched.
and innocent eyes of blue and gray,"
"the smoothness of your skin,
and the hardness of your chest."
Awesome imagery.. I see that man you write of
Another great write from you!! Keep on keepin' on hun
Thanks, also..for commenting on my poem
~Aimee
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this is a very nice poem and i think the emotion is very flowing and i think the discriptyion is ver very very very very veryyy nice i love it soooooo much the flow ,repition is all wonder ful. i like repition but i dont like it weere all they do is pretty much say the smae thinbg 20 times in a row you know well thats myy opinion i loed it great job
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great write. very emotionl and easy to relate with. i agree with closed casket.."you've managed to carve your name on my heart." is a beautiful line, my favorite. keep up the good work!
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I agree with DragonessT, the repition gets yours feelings across very clearly, it kind of reminds me of a poem of mine 'Reflections', Thanks for sharing....
Shattered Remains
R13O13 -
Great job!
This is a wonderful write. I like the repitition of:
I dream only of you,
dance only for you,
sing only to you,
breathe only for you.
And the last line made a beautiful finish for this poem. Good luck in the contest.
~Tawnya~
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good
Well written. Just enough personal thoughts to keep it subtle but enough emotion to make it real. I am usually not big on repetition in poems but this was a perfect example of an exception. Thanks for sharing and good luck on the contest. -
What a wonderfully sweet poem with its lyrical flow.The rhyming is exquisitely perfect.Emotionally touching.Keep up the good work and good luck in the contest as well.
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lush
"and I'll wait only for you." finishes of the poem PERFECTLY. I love how intense and precise the descriptions are.
my fav. line
"you've managed to carve your name on my heart." i dunno, i LOVE it!keep it up. *~xXx~* -
awww
Wow. This is a great poem.. I love it..so much emotion. This is also a very special moment- since I'm new to all of this I've never been the first person to comment on a poem before. You've given me that honour and filled me with the thoughts of love...and also the sadness twisted into it. Well written.
Edited on Dec 12, 6:26 because ''.
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