Hurdles of light
play on mind's canvas.
I walk out
as ebony embraces at feet
seem to grow tighter
mirroring ticked hours
of laughter echoing,
small cries
and tiny fingers.
I stand gazing
at peeping stars high.
In a list
A contest entry
- A Wordplay Poetry Contest by -BlackKnight-.
600 points, ended June 9, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - * Night Vision * by Amazon Huntress.
600 points, ended April 24, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
Shadows.
Not bad.
A bit obvious though.
Decent imagery.
Thanks for entering. -
"I walk out
as ebony embraces at feet
seem to grow tighter" -- lolwut?
This wasn't hard to guess as being about "shadows". Mainly because you kinda gave it away below. But that's alright.
The poem, on the other hand...I'll just say I agree with Aerialrose and suggest elaborating more on this. Give the reader something to actually visualize and enjoy. -
no
"Hurdles of light" doesn't register anything (what, like track hurdles?) and "mind's canvas" sounds a little cliche; I couldn't get the scene you were going for. What's happening here? It sounds like gobbledy-gook.
I think, as a constructive criticism, that this would be more enjoyable if you fleshed out your ideas more. Give us something to chew on. -
-
Hurdles of light--create shadows...for shadows are created when light is obstructed
"mind's canvas" refers to the mind per se, not the physical aspect of ourselves, but eh mental phase..
So I am aiming at shadows in the mind---more like thoughts and memories...
Hope you get it now.
-
-
Very eclectic bunch of ideas playing on the canvas of my mind now.
Thanks for entering!
*~Huntress~*
-
This took me places from which to ponder my own thoughts and flutters..
lol good luck in the contest
-
-
Thank you so much ...
keep smiling
-
-
Very beautiful write here Deary Love this. Good luck with it in the contest hope that you do well with it.
-
-
Thanks a lot...this is slightly different from how I write..glad to know it came off well..
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
