Mentally dead she lays there in bed
Not knowing what to do feeling only the sting of nothing
Is this what was always meant to be
A let down to others or a let down to me
Body cold almost as ice
Lips blue she is about to lose it not know what to do
Old addictions and old ways must all change
But can she do it that’s the thing.
Up at night tossing and turning on going pain
Heart nothing but shame!
She looks in those little eyes and breaks
She holds her so close and it makes her sick inside
Longing to be better lingering to be more
But is it possible are there any open doors
Alcohol her blood runs through her crimson veins
The drugs are just a side order to all her many pains
Hope and longing one day it will end
She longs to do better for she knows soon she will be watched
Those little eyes will look up to her those little eyes will wonder why?
Get your act together girl you have no time to die.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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ash this was such a deep poem you have put on here i hope you know you are so wonderful you have come such a long way! and i know that aly will be just like so sweet and kind you are so great my love i am proud of you!
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I loved the ending!!! I mean the whole thing was really good. But the ending I think really helped make this a good write.. The intensity in this poem was there through the whole thing.. And the image may have been a little confusing because the lines seemed a little mixed up but the image was still there.. and it was a very strong and touching one.. This was really good.. Great write..
Jetleena
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thanks much!
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This is amazing hun! God i have tears in my eyes
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I LOVE THIS.
THIS IS SO GOOD THAT I THINK I'M GOING TO CRY. LOL .
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A fine poem my dear poet. My only suggestion would be to not use the word 'pain' so much and to separate your ideas with more comas. That way the reader will be able to read the poem fluidly and there is no confusion. I good idea- it could however use some revising which you had mentioned you would do. Keep up the writing I'm sure your future poem will be just as great if not even better. Congratulations and Good luck in the future.
Nakatréa
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why thank youmuch for your comment
there is a lot i must work on with this poem but i am waiting till i have the time to look through it well.thanks lots
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I really like this poem alot. It has nothing but feeling in it. completely understand where you are coming from. I thnk you should look over this line "Lips blue she is about to lose it not know what to do" It stops the flow alittle. But I think whith some fine tuning this poem will be great. Good Job!
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thanks much for the comment i will have to go back there are a few things i am wanting to edit in the poem!
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This is a good poem - quite touching, actually. An addiction-distraught mother, trying to straighten herself out for the little one, knowing that she may very well follow in her footsteps. However, I cannot truly relate, granted that I'm a virgin guy...but the story seems to me as though you could also relate it to older and younger siblings.
On a lighter note, from a poetic perspective, if it was a poem meant to cut to the emotions fairly quickly, it gets the job done. I would like to offer a couple of suggestions, as I usually tend to do (don't worry, I usually make things open-ended...it is, after all YOUR poem.
):
This is completely up to you, but as I read through this poem, I had a temptation to add dramatic punctuation in certain places instead of leaving run-ons, like changing "A let-down to others...or a let down to me?", etc. But - leaving it open like that may add to the emotional play of the poem. Like I said, completely up to you and your preference. =)
I thought of changing the line wording to make things flow better, like "with lips of sapphire, she waits on sanity's edge, lost in confusion", "Alcohol-thinned blood" or "Heart filled with nothing but shame!" But then I thought, if the reader is intuitive enough to see it this way, it could be interpreted as intended, and sort of representing the fact that she's still struggling to win this war between hopeful intention and mental/physical destruction. So, it works either way.
I loved some of the wording you used, like "crimson veins"...and I don't know if it was intentional, but you wound up having end rhyme with that and the next line, which was also cool in my book. I also liked the last lines, acknowledging that her daughter will take after her if she continue to walk the barbed path of addictions. It brings a sensible sharpness to the poem. Good stuff.
Great work for your second piece! =)
Sincerely,
--Flare
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