Port-barrel Henry
took up the sides
No finer sentry
wrapped in her thighs.
Sam Colt made them equal
and God gave His blessing.
Lady Liberty sequel
with made-made dressings.
Flame of the victor
lit in premonition.
As cheers grew thicker
discipline quickened.
A claim resounding
soon grew complete.
The message pounding,
"We are the Free."
A contest entry
- Look at the picture and write me a poem ... by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended April 28, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - U.S. Patriotism by CelticQueen.
1500 points, ended July 23, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Intriguing write ...
but here:
A claim resounding
grew to be complete.
Message is pounding
"We are The Free"
is your Achilles heel. I'd change this to make it far stronger:
A claim resounding
soon grew complete.
The message pounding,
"We are the Free."
otherwise, you've done very well with this. Keep in mind that the final lines of a poem need to be strong or the poem will fail, or at least be very weakened. It doesn't matter how good the poem is to that point, if the end isn't strong, the poem won't work, or will lose it's power.
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