By then, she was
folding in on herself,
like a flower at the end of the day
or a cat’s tired paw
letting the mouse go.
I regretted that she
had been so much,
and was now so little,
as ethereal as white dandelion seeds
with half the anchorage
and twice the tailwind.
But she regretted nothing,
even when the breeze picked up,
and as she lifted her
smaller, older roots
she whispered to me
like snow on whiskers
that even the hair of the asters
goes gray before winter.
Author notes
Please be critical - I haven't written enough lately and might be out of shape.
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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and have this
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mmm, you have a great flow. i love that you took us through unthreatining imagery to show us, what i took to be, the decay of an elder, maybe your grandmother. it was so sweet, and i never use that word. hmph, cause i'm a man. (small growl).
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This is why you are on my favorites list. I love the way you write. However, due to unforseen circumstances, I must close this idea for rounds. I appreciate your time and talent love.
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I'm glad you like it, and I'm glad I wrote it, contest or not.
Thanks!
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This is really lovely poetry and the metaphors and similes you've applied were so well done. I don't think the use of "like" twice is too much - they're at the beginning and the only at the end of the poem and for me that works. I liked the flower theme here... it adds a softness to this poem that goes very well with the theme of old age. I liked this one!
~ Nicolette
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I might just like flowers (says the plant biologist)...
Thanks - I'm glad you liked it!
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my only concern really is the use of simile...I think the poem's imagery is fine without the use of "like".
Lines 7 and 8 could use a bit of tweaking, because they seem overdone (I've heard these lines many times in different contexts).
But this is a very poignant poem on old-age and death. I could sense that much from your diction and the imagery.
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Thank you - good points all around!
Originally, lines 7 and 8 read "had been so much / and was now so small," but for some reason that didn't hit me right. *shrugs and goes back to the editing board* Thanks again!
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