Proud, enthused youth of uniquely free nation,
March willingly into history's cruel maw;
With image of a French architects' creation,
A stunning depiction, generating awe.
Their boundless idealism seems naieve today,
Our world of proxy wars, shadowy assasinations;
Politicians killing soldiers with games they play,
Boardrooms, stock exchanges fuel next assignations.
So many subtle levels of greed and corruption,
Seem to rule our daily struggles to get by;
photos for liberty appear fruitless production,
Idealistic dedications make one wonder why
It is worthwhile to bother anymore. Perhaps
Corporate owners will let us out of their traps,
long enough to gain back a bit of optimism,
Recalling Constitutional values from way, way back.
Author notes
Kind of a sonnet thing going on, with a couple extra lines.
A contest entry
- Look at the picture and write me a poem ... by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended April 28, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Not bad ...
but you might think abut a few changes:
Proud, enthused youth of a unique, free nation,
march willingly into history's cruel maw;
with image of a French architect's creation,
a stunning depiction, generating awe.
Their boundless idealism seems naive today.
Our world of proxy wars, shadowy assasinations;
politicians killing soldiers with games they play:
boardrooms, stock exchanges fuel next assignations.
So many subtle levels of greed and corruption,
seem to rule our daily struggles to get by;
photos for liberty appear fruitless production,
Idealistic dedications make one wonder why
anyone should even bother anymore. Perhaps
Corporate owners will let us out of their traps,
long enough to gain back a bit of optimism,
recalling Constitutional values from way, way back.
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Also ...
your weakest line is the one that says "why should we bother anymore", as it tends to be too negative, not just for what I was looking for, but also too negative in the sense of defeatism. If we start to think that way, eventually we will convince ourselves that there's no point in going on. It's possible to defeat yourself that way.
We still have a free country, despite the attempts of the radical right to destroy it over the last few decades. With a little luck we will take it back in November, and can start to rectify some of the horrific happenings of the last 7 1/2 years. However, if we sit around and say "Why bother?" things will only continue to get worse.
Most people don't realize the value of positive thinking. China has a Communist government, but positive thinking is rampant there, and it's amazing what's happening. This will undoubtedly become the Pacific Century, and possibly the Chinese Century. Whether we continue to be in the game at all will largely depend on whether we overcome the negative ideas of the last 7 1/2 years and move on into the new Century thinking we can do it too.
Anyway, those are my suggestions. I think the poem is publishable and you should send it somewhere. -
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Made some changes
Did some editing, as suggested. -
Thanks for the tips and suggestion
Changes noted and taken into consideration
I may send it somewhere, not sure where. Yes a positive mental outlook is definitely desired. I just get fatalistic when I see so much good effort squandered on some globe-conquering fantasy of a few old republican fools, destroying our country in the process. But, yep, I guess hope springs eternal.
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