When men's souls weary with the toil of life,
longing for rest from the daily strife,
they lay down their tools of making ends meet
and long for a moment of retreat.
Yet in a time of global unrest,
the people rise and give their best.
The wonder that they find the will
amazes even those longing just to be still.
It has always been known that men cannot be free,
if all are willing to just let it be;
it takes the rare, the willing, the strong,
to attempt the impossible and right a wrong.
And still we try, though few appreciate,
their desire to dominate allows them to abrogate
all the good that some will try;
and in the process many die.
So what draws men to serve the cause;
to risk their lives in war's cruel maws?
It is the belief that all are born free
and deserve the chance at liberty.
Raise a torch, a glass, a hand;
to liberty in every land;
remember those who made us free,
the condition the world should strive to achieve.
©2008 rous
4-15-08
Author notes
Written for the contest: Look at the picture and write me a poem ... by ecrivain01
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2400479
A contest entry
- Look at the picture and write me a poem ... by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended April 28, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
A critical comment is invited
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Yes. ;)
This is much better.
You might want to remove the word "they" in line 3 but that's all I can see that still might need fixing. -
Yes. ;)
But this line is grammatically incorrect:
Tis always been know that men cannot be free,
not just for the typo (the "n" is missing on "known").
Tis (which actually means it is) can't be used with always been known since it actually says (It is always been known). What you mean is,
it HAS always been known, and that's not what you've said. The rules say that the poems should be grammatically correct for a reason. I believe that if we take the trouble to write, we should take the trouble to write so that what we have written is correct, not just in a sense of being true, but also correct grammatically. -
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Okay, found the typo; thank you for pointing it out. I did some researching and found " 'tis " is a contraction of "it is", but I blame the usage on others that use it wrongly.
I made some changes.
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Not bad ...
but this line is very weak:
Tis always been know that men cannot be free,
It's always been known that men can't be free
would be a far stronger line. First off, it sounds like modern English, not 16th Century English, and the meter is better, plus you'll have fixed the typo.
You can do the same here:
Tis the belief that all are free
(It's the belief that all should be free)
otherwise, you've done a fairly good job with this.
If you plan to have this published somewhere, you would be better off to have it sound like it was written in the 21st Century, not the 16th.
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Thank you for your thoughts. If I use the more modern phrasing in that spot, I will be forced to change other places to match. And, I avoid contractions whenever possible; I feel they clutter the flow. I am not sure what typo you refer to in that line.
I can see one change in the second example that may clarify it a bit.
I do appreciate your commenting and constructive criticism.
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