I am.... what?

People and time seems to fall and blow away with all the memories and yet I still walk on a sandy beach. I am walking now on that sandy beach in a white dress, no wind blows and the water is still. Suddenly wind blows, fate takes control, sending a leaf flying. I chase in a way that no one would for such a small thing, but in this empty world, it is the only life that I am now so wanting to cling to.

Sadly fates turn again and the wind blows anew direction. The leaf, so peacefully flying, goes into the setting sun and rising moon, both having been connected by the water. I watch, following the leaf with my tear-filled eyes, it was my only hope. The water that was always still moves, unnoticed… The tide goes up and down closer and closer to my pale feet, yet my eyes are averted to the leaf dancing in the rays of the sun…

The water is at my feet…

It drags me in, the evil tide throwing and tossing me around in the darkness. I go deeper and deeper into the dark world of the once stilled water that is now a horrible new world. My white dress is the only light in this world…

Rocks with jagged teeth start to surround me with hunger. The dark water pulls and pushes me into them, pain blooms and then fades like flowers in spring and winter. I become numb, the water is red now. I’m fading away into the water’s graveyard; into my coffin. I was always afraid of the water, I always stayed on the beach for safety and peace, not to fall into darkness. Never darkness, it hurts too much.

My white dress is ripped and a small piece falls off into the darkness. The pale white glows in the dark, my dimming eyes watch it dance like a butterfly in the darkness… Paling and white the fabric grows bigger and bigger, it’s too bright… I close my eyes…

Wh- Where am I?

Falling into the deep blue sky where nothing survives… Nothing exists… Nothing lives… Ominous and ill-fated dark clouds began to gather in the sky below me, wicked, tormented faces growled and snarled at me wanting my soul. The wounds and pain had disappeared from the nightmare before, but this one seemed to want to give me more…

The monsters’ faces became calmer and calmer, however they did remain dark. Sad faces bloomed with shrieks and cries, water rain down their faces falling to me. The drops became closer and closer forming into spears. Forming a ball shape, I bent over shielding my head with my arms waiting, anticipating when they would fall on me.

Nothing… Looking between my arms, see the spears falling all around me, the clouds still screaming, but I hear nothing… The spears miss me like magic, the silences numbing to the eardrums, but I have a lurking sense that something will happen, that I am being watched…

Pulled back down…. Down to the water again…
I fell like a droplet of rain. Closer… Closer… To the dark surface of the water, which still held a great fear for me. The spears turned to small droplets of water that glowed with light; they began to gather around me. I soon was covered all around with the clean water, protected by it as the dark surface became closer.

I held no fear now of falling into the dark water, Spread my arms and legs apart, and closing my eyes, I fell into the dark water. The surrounding water bubbled away and the room turned upside-down. I was not in dark water no… Just in a dark room.

The floor was cold on my feet and my dress had no warmth. I took in my surroundings to see that I was in a rectangular room with hanging lights all off but one. It lit up one corner where a figure sat, staring into the corner, and its arms around knees and rocking back and forth, muttering words that I couldn’t catch. I stepped quietly nearer to the person.

Bent down….  I reached my hands out…. Touched their shoulder…. And…

As I came closer to the figure I heard what the figure was saying as it came out of her cracking voice, "Help me, Help me. Stop! Stop the pain!." I hasitated to touch the figure curling my fingers back, was it really hurt? I decided to help, but as I leaned in to comfort the figure, it jumped up and clawed at me, shouting vile words. "Its YOU that done it!!!! YOUR fault!!!! I will KILL YOU!!!" She pushed me sending me to the cold ground a few feet away, my head giving off a horrible cracking sound. However that was the least of my problems; the figure was coming at me again... And this time, I knew who she was... Me...

I was positive that this was me; the dirty-blond hair, the imperfect nose, and the Eyes.. The eyes that seemed to have a lot of knowledge behind them, but also pain, lots of pain, even the shreded dirty white dress didn't take away from what i saw in her- no, my eyes. The shock didn't last long, as if I knew it was me this whole time, and the figure was still coming close. I pushed my heels into the cold floor, pushing my hands, too, trying to ignore the pain from my scalp, but I wasn't moving fast enough. I stopped my pitiful escape and placed my hands over my faces as a last attempt to save myself. But no new pain came, only the continuing pain from my head. Black spots started to bloom in front of my eyes now, I tried to give the figure one last glance before I was unconscience. It was back in the corner, whispering and rocking back and  forth, the only difference was that the light was now flickering off and on, just the same as my eyes...

I fell into a deep sleep... Will I wake up?...

I kept my eyes shut, not wanting to open them after the black had swallowed me, even if after i felt solid ground under my feet. I didn't know how the ground came to be under my feet, I didn't stand up, but I could also feel water almost up to my knees. The sense of the water brought back the vision of the black water twisting and turning me into rocks, that is what made me keep my eyes shut. But i wanted to leave the water and I didn't know where to go to escape these hells. I opened my eyes...

The shock was the same as before.. but the place was new; a small blue bathroom. I was standing in the full bath tub, but what was below me was what shocked me. An elderly woman was crying and shouting leaning over something in the tub. But what was it? An equally elderly man ran into the room, the woman turns and shouts to the man, but I hear nothing, a died silence. I then looked down to see what the woman had been leaning over, shock again and again. Why was this happening?

It was me... In the tub... A tub full of red water... Blood red water...

I would have jumped out of the tub, but my feet were planted were i stood just three feet away from the dieing me. Drip... Drip... Drip... Where was this solitary sound coming from? I found the source of the sound quickly, a bloody knife on the floor right below a blood wrist where droplets of blood flowed slowly onto the greedy blade of the knife. Blinking was harder to focus on and slowly i realized i was now the me in the wet arms of the old woman, tears raced down her face, why was she crying... For me... How could this happen to me...

Everything made sense now, the dreams-like nightmares were just visions of things that were happening to me on the inside and outside. The lonely, lovely beach was my mind, body, soul, and heart all peaceful and working fine and good. But then the blade of steel water cut my wrist making my heart bloom in pain and agony. My soul was the next one to feel the pain of my mistakes. The angrier of my mistake and the sadness of dieing without living for all the memories I hadn't had. The horrible black room with the insane figure, that was me, was my mind failing to solve this problem when before it could solve anything throw at it. Finally, the me in the bath-tub full of blood with the elderly woman and man.. My body...

I came back for just one last moment.. The sounds came back, the slushing of the water and the soft sobs my the woman- my mother... "No... No... Why?" She whispered between sobs. I turned to her and she seemed to notice my movement, she looked up with a little flame of hope in her eyes. I felt guilty to have to ruin that small hope, and she knew when she looked into my dead dim eyes that there was no hope for me.

All i could say was, "I'm sorry, i didn't think it would go this far. Good thing Duke didn't lose tonight, that would make tonight worst." I faded from my eyes and my soul left my ruined body to never find another that fitted the same. My face just layed don't on my mother's arm, already becoming stiff and pale as my heart stopped beating the soft melody i was so used to that it put me to bed every night. My mind cracked under the darkness of the small room where my once true self was, the one that pleaded for help with scars and tears. That wanted to scream, but is now fading into a light that blinds it. God didn't help me.. How could this have happened?...

The world continued, but nothing was erased from history. My gravestone still marks were my cold died body lays, where no sun can reach. I was sick of this life and i thought i would just fade away. And i did, my soul faded, but me... I still AM; just stranded inbetween worlds that won't faded from my memories. Screaming means nothing, no one hears me and i want to start over again. I want to whole again, but forgetting and starting over never comes... I AM A LOST SOUL....