Such sweet sound; soft fall of stumbling stream
like murmur swept along whispered breezes,
this spoilt child, meanders as it pleases
with a wayward waggle of some winsome scheme;
no destiny decided in its dream.
Though winter’s hoary harbinger freezes
still charismatic child cajoles; teases
‘neath icy iron of frigid regime,
but in heavens wilful weep, ire is raised,
temper explodes into thankless tantrum
not content to wander upon its way,
but to leave landscape bedraggled and dazed,
woefully wondering how it could succumb
to babbling brook, who pranced in play.
Author notes
Your topic is: Nature
Your form is: Sonnet
Your Poetic device is: alliteration
Italian Sonnet – 10 syllables per line, Octave (abbaabba), Sestet (cdecde)
NOT in Iambic Pentameter
Source : http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/types.html
A contest entry
- NO GREENS - ROUND 5 - Invitation Only by Idle Mind Wondering.
10000 points, ended May 21, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Work In Progress .. Comments Appreciated
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This poem has such a high level of sophistication!
Very well done
-GL in contest -
The message comes through, but there are many places where the rhyme seems forced and alliteration does not trip off the tongue as I feel it should. Example: 4th line would flow better, "with wayward waggle of a winsome scheme", but then line 5 bothers me, too, though I can't think of another way to say it. It just sounds the tiniest bit off. You say you are working on something new. Anxious to see it here.
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It would be good to have something new but this will work. I enjoy alliteration and you picked the right sounds "s" for water "w" for wind "h" for winter est. Sonnets are really not my thing so it's hard to give constructive criticsm with this one. It does read slightly flat without any everlasting moral or quality but I find that common in Sonnets anyways. Possibly the end could be a bit more powerful? Not really sure.
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I'm working on something else just for the challenge .. I entered this to give a taste.
Good top hear from you again, its been a while
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murmur swept along whispered breezes, wow what a beautiful line. Can I have it really, the whole thing is quite lovely. Thank you for entering.
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for someone who shook at the thought of a sonnet, you went away and returned some hours later and set upon us a gem easily written buy a master.
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.. I can't believe your comment, this is only the second sonnet i've ever attempted, the first was a complete disaster; so when I saw the details of this round I just wanted to curl up and forget i'd entered .. thank you so much for your words, they make me want to try this again.
I think not having to write in meter was the biggest help.
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"with a wayward waggle of some winsome scheme;" I JUST love that line.
It makes me smile.
An amazing Italian sonnet. Splendid work here. Good work too with the alliteration. Makes the flow beautiful when read aloud. Your volta turns brilliantly in your sestet. Oh my goodness, a gem. A true gem.
Well done in this round.
~Pamela 
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Such a picture you've painted of solitude Colin.
I like this line so much, "..like murmur swept along whispered breezes,.."
Good luck in the contest.
Paul
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Awesome personification of water and season...
word choices breathe personality into each line.
It reads like a tiny fable and blends well to
theme and form. Blue
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This is truly a beautiful piece you have penned here. Just a really great job and the imagery, rhythm and flow blended well together. I enjoyed the serene aura found within your words here. Best wishes to you in all of your endeavors and thanks for sharing this with me. Keep that pen handy and ever ready for use dear poet. Good luck in your contest!
♥ Touchof1der -
it flows very nicely, i loved every part of it. this work made me think of my neighbors and how theyre outside playing in our ravine no matter what the weather is like. so many fond memories.
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Superb
Most excellent indeed. I enjoyed it just the way it is. Imagery; rhythm and rhyme are just fine. Thanks for sharing this with us. -
This was more than rhyme and counting syllables. It is a dance of words; exquisite and brilliant. This is art at its best. Best of luck in the contest. Blessings,Debby
. Rewarded 4
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Awesome Alliteration
Powerful depiction of sweet and innocent nature gone bad. Many people, I'm sure, who live in flood plains must wonder what they did to tick Mother Nature off.
The rhythm and flow of this is wonderfully depictive of the waterfall brook you describe & the advanced alliteration is admirable without alteration. ;0)
. Rewarded 6
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I got to say, I'm normally not one for ryhmes, but you've proved my thoughts wrong and such beautiful imagery I got! Congrats! i wish you luck in the contest
. Rewarded 4
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Beautifully written with strong imagery. I think you could improve upon the title (it seemed forced) but otherwise I love this entry. Peace, Liz
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Thank you for the comment, its still WIP so plenty of time for a title change
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